Could feel my iron control over my emotions sliping yesterday - the enormity of this shift to Pune sank in Sunday morning. And shook me to the core...the very idea that I'm leaving behind friends (yes even those who don't reside in Bombay and just visit it once a year - I won't be here when they come down - and short trips to meet them just aint the same are they?), a lifetime of memories, dreams for the future based on this city - holy shit, but I hate it! Literally jumped at the task of going to the bank, so I could get out of the house and get the angst outta my system. Nearly got myself run over on the way to the bank, so lost was I in my thoughts...Gotta be strong, can't afford to be weak right now. But I so desperately want to be pampered silly.
Yesterday I packed away some more of my stuff. My kiddie stuff that I refuse to throw away/donate, my favourite fat German doll that I insist my kids will play with, my painting paraphernelia, my albums, my MA and French notes - and as I taped the boxes shut, one thought raced through my mind "Fuck but I just put the lid on my life" - over-the-top reaction huh? But totally how I was feeling yesterday - pretty much going outta my mind. Freaking out. Don't wanna go anywhere, except to meet you-know-who, at the same time the four walls seemed to cave in on me during the evening. I am so used to be being busy and not being at home in the evening, that when I'm home (specially under these circumstances) I'm one major bitch - snapping at everyone and just waiting to sink my claws into someone. Ain't helping that my hormones seem to be in an overdrive right now! I definitely need to enroll myself at AF Pune the very first day I reach - I so can not sit at home vella!!!
Fervent Prayer - Let me not lose the sense of control and balance that I fought for all of 2002 - I definitely don't wanna slip back into that mess I was.
Hmm...went to the Univ to pick up my marksheet yesterday and bumped into my classmates - Suhan, Deepa, Nazia, Deba and Madhavi - nearly went up the wall when Deba kept questioning me about how much I got in which paper (I ofcourse didn't remember since I care a shit about marks anyways!), how many sides I wrote for my answers, what I wrote in my answers, whether I got second or third highest in some paper...Like who cares dude? I did well. Am Happy. Comme d'hab. End of story....HELP!!!!! Was so tempted to give him my mantra on exams, but I doubted he'd take it calmly, so I refrained from chanting it out to him :
"EXAM is a FOUR letter word. So are FUCK and LIFE - both are far more important!" ;-)
Am rocking to Genesis' "Jesus He Knows Me" at the moment "No Son of Mine" is lined up next on Windows Media Player - been listening to my MP3s all morning - hell they keep my mood rocking! :)
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he he he.you know,I wish you had actually said that to Deba,just to see his reaction.I think he would have freaked out and probably jumped off the railway platfrom.. hehe..cause he doesn't have any hair to tear out from his head.
sorry sorry,I'm just being a mean bean :p
and on a more sombre note.
(sniff) :`(
hey babe....i know what u must be going thru right now...i've been thru it all as well and more than just once!! in these chaotic times, there's one thing that can soothe the troubled mind, and that is a good read of Kipling's "If". don't let the situation get the better of u, take it one moment at a time and things will turn out just fine.
"If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you..."
hope to see u online soon!
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