Ick

Today should go down in the book as one of my worst days possible. I could hardly believe it as I slipped back into the vortex of negativity today. It’s been ages since I had no control over my rage – and today I sure did lose control. Black rage would be putting it mildly. It’s a different matter that once the rage inside me subsided, it was replaced by a melancholic mania of sorts. Thoughts I really don’t want to entertain surfaced to torment me – realizations that I’ve given too much once again and have only myself to blame. Doubts – about myself, my capabilities, what I’m worth. Questions – why don’t I learn to ask for what I want? Why do I stay silent when no one understands what it is that I am asking for? Especially when I ask so rarely? Why I take so much crap and don’t ever open my mouth when I’m being hurt? Not to the person inflicting the pain anyways. Why I swallow all that pain, never letting the person know the effect on me? Why? Why me?
Wallowing in narcissistic despair? Yeah that’s what it feels like – putting myself at the center of everything. But then I’m doing it inside me – or atleast I was till I wrote this blog. Well to hell with it – I need to get atleast some of this angst out…
Am I feeling better? Well not really – but then I know that’s not one thing that will change for the next few months. Been there, Done it once before…