Wrap-Up

Last night, as the year-end drew closer and as I got ready for a short trip to Bangalore with Ma, I sat and stared up at the stars and thought about all that had happened this year and what lies ahead in 2007. It’s been a year like none other – it’s changed the way I think, my views and attitudes…

I think I’ve grown this year in more than one way. I’ve lost so much this year – losses that can’t be balanced out by what I’ve learnt or what I’ve gained for nothing can take the place of my father. It’s been over nine months and sometimes I still wait for him to walk in through the door, I still yearn to talk to him, I still miss those moments when he’d come and run his hand over my head before he went to bed…and I still regret the fact that I fought with him before he left for Kottayam. When I think of the other relationships that went awry this year, of the lies and betrayals I faced, all of it pales in comparison and I wonder why I gave them so much importance – I think I’ve learnt from my mistakes and I hope I never have to face those kind of heart-breaks again…but then who knows what lies ahead, for the biggest lesson I’ve learnt is that whoever is up there, pulling the strings of our life, has a very weird sense of humour and loves pulling the rug out from under us just as we start getting comfortable.

It’s not been all bad - after taking baby-steps towards my goal for so long, I’ve finally embarked on my métier and am slowly moving up that ladder of progress. I believe I’m learning and improving with each passing moment and despite some really embarrassing goof-ups (I still cringe every time I’m reminded of them), I think I do a pretty good job of what I’m paid to do…if all goes well, then next year I should finally be able to fulfill another long cherished dream. Amen. I’ve met some fabulous people and strengthened the foundations of friendships that were still on unstable grounds. I’ve done some crazy things, that I never thought I’d do – and much as I wonder where it’s taking me, I don’t think I’ll regret a single moment. Now if only I could truly toss caution to the winds, caring two-hoots about what the others think and for a change just follow my instincts, paying no heed to what practicality, common sense and fear of the unknown tomorrow dictates…

Burnt indelibly into my conscious (and I think sub-conscious and unconscious as well) this year :-

• The first breath-taking sight of Parvati temple at Ellora caves.
• Papa, at work, sitting proudly behind his desk at Phoenix Mecano India.
• Papa stepping into the elevator telling me he’ll come back and discuss my plans for the future.
• My first batch of students presenting me with a cake that said “Alliance Française Rocks” and asking me to cut it.
• Rain drenched Seven Bungalows from the 4^th floor of Gayatri – I wonder whether I’ll ever think of any other place as “home.”
• The pride and delight of seeing my closest friend’s name in a magazine and hugging him – wish I’d done that the next two times as well!
• Papa, cold in that awful coffin – lying on the cold hard floor of the crematorium and being taken away from me.
• The disappointment in my friend’s voice, the fear of losing him…and yes, the peace and joy at patching up. I don’t ever want to go through that agony again.
• Being told that the song “You’re Beautiful” by James Blunt reminds someone of me…being told that I am beautiful.
• That last hug at the airport before Appu checked in for her flight to Chicago.
• Those lazy afternoons with Kitana over cappuccino at Barista.
• Walking into Khadki cemetery with a friend and watching her face light up with delight at its sheer impeccable beauty and the possibilities it offers vis-à-vis photography.
• Teacher’s Day – my first as a teacher and being gifted that wonderful card…followed by my birthday, when once again my students presented me with a card and cake.
• The pride that surged each time my students fared well, despite the fact that I seem to set rather “high standards” for my students when it comes to exams ;-)
• The cold pit in my stomach when I realized I’d screwed up in class and the relief once I’d set things right and my students reassured me that they still liked me as much as they did before they were told I’d erred...and how!
• Coffee by the roadside, tea at the tapdi, popsicles sitting perched on the footpath.
• Sharing Nala Park (a.k.a Osho Teerth Park / Zen Garden) with someone I’ve grown very fond off over the last two months.