Walking the tight-rope, treading a fine balance between right and wrong, I’ve been torn apart in the last couple of months with personal decisions. What lies ahead I do not know and never before has the uncertainty and darkness ahead gnawed so much at my insides, leaving them a mangled aftermath of a rat’s meal. A year ago I would have turned blindly to my blog for catharsis, but I hesitated this time. I’ve always known that this was a public domain and anything I published in this space was open to the scrutiny, analysis and opinion of all and sundry, creeps included. But when the creeps actually visit, it leaves you feeling violated. And I was violated. In the last one year my blog has been visited by people who dislike/hate me and used my blog to make nasty comments about me, people who have changed their identities to comment and falsely befriend me in the attempt to creep under my defenses and hurt me, people who have wanted to keep track of my activities and that of my family (believe me we aren’t that important) so they could manipulate me/us for their own selfish purposes. It’s left a rather acrimonious taste in my mouth, disgusted at how low people can sink, upset that people harbour such feelings towards me and perhaps left me at a loss of words for this space, something that has never happened in the five odd years that I’ve been blogging. The physical violation that followed the violation of my space has left me feeling angrier with the world. Angry. Helpless. Upset. Lost. Violated. As I struggle to piece together my peace and self-confidence both of which have been shattered to shards in the last couple of years, as I tackle with new fears, recurring nightmares and insomnia I wonder if I’ll ever find my joie de vivre again. Standing alone as I am today, I wonder if any of this is worth it. Why do I continue to blog? Why do I keep up with the farce that everything is alright? Why do I hope that tomorrow will be better? I wonder if my existence has any meaning, my presence/absence any significance to anyone. And yes I wonder why I have been violated in such a ruthless manner. Why then? Why now? Why again? And again?
PS Pardon me for the repetitiveness…just wanted to drill home the point.
12 comments:
Since I can't come to Pune now, here's a BIG hug from me to you. Hope it makes you feel better. This physical violation stuff sounds scary. Hope it is not what I fear it is. All I can say is, "This too shall pass". So my dear, take care of your beautiful self.
Love,
Jo
PS: Why don't you make your blog a "by invitation only" one?
hieee...even tho i was happee to speak to u today (long dinstance call n all, i say), im still worried for u! u better take care of that pretty little yourself that you are :) n u kno, as always, when u feel like it (or even if u dont feel like it) jus holler me n i'll b right thr :)
take care dearie... n BIG HUG!!
PS: remember what i said, talking helps....n call me if u want some different kind of talking ;-P
Don't you think you are giving some people too much importance by letting them get to you? You are much stronger than this! Get on with life. Its yours and no one can harm you in anyway, unless you let them. You have well wishers and friends, screw the rest! God bless you! Enjoy sweetheart! :-)
please come back and write gee.
you have me psyched now! cela, c'est impossible. tu te rappelle ce que your students wear?!!
and the blog's new look is thanks to your suggestion. so merci beaucoup mademoiselle la prof :-)
qu'est-ce que c'est? les fringues? tu sais je n'apprends plus la langue ..... aides-moi!
I visited your blog after a long break today and what I read has completely shocked me, although I have no idea where this is coming from!
Take care and hopefully things will get better.
PS: My French hasn't got any better in Montreal, I might leave the city soon.
I know this is a bad time, but I've read the name Tasneem Godhra wala in one of your earlier posts. Is she the same one from Arya Vidya Mandir Juhu at JVPD scheme?
Tx anyways.
P - Well this isn't Tasneem, but yes I'm from the same school and same batch. Unfortunately am not in touch with her, not being a fan of the social networking sites and having passed out of 10th before email got major!
Hi, Thats ok - Diff strokes. Just curious about Tasneem & this other really reserved girl called Kavita Parmar. BTW - Shady school of ours doesn't have a URL, skip an Alumni page./?
P - I'm not in touch with either of them; you could try Orkut. As for our "shady" school having a web-page or alumini page, once again check out Orkut. I believe there was an attempt sometime back to start an alumini by one of the juniors.
thankee! needed that i guess...
missing your blog, won't you please write again?
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