I was clearing out the stuff I had saved on the computer - sorting out junk from what's not - and I stumbled onto this. I wrote it on a particularly low day and well it got me thinking again...
"...and so I sat down one day and howled my heart out. Odd how people call themselves your 'best friend' (I'm gonna screech if I hear that term applied to me once more!), but don't even begin to scratch the surface as far as understanding you is concerned. All they are interested in, is a facade that they have forced upon you, what THEY believe is you, not what you REALLY are. Pull the strings - jerk you around like a puppet. Is that what 'friendship' has come to mean today? A means of getting what you want from the 'other'? A transaction that fulfills your needs in the business of life - but one that requires no research or dedication? I've seen more emotion in a business transaction...if this what it's all about I'd rather be a 'lone warrior'..."
-March 25th, 2003.
I don't think I agree completely with what I've said. Yeah friendship sure seems to be very farcical these days, but being a long warrior? I don't think i'm strong enough for that. I must have been royally pissed off at the person that set me off that day, I can't remember exactly what did set me off, to boldly make such a declaration. Ah well, it's easier said that done. Said that to someone else too, today morning. So easy to preach ain't it? Dole out packets of advice. But so difficult to put even half of that into practice when you are faced with the same situation. I should know...
Today was one of those awful days when little happened and little went well. I started by making a major blunder in the morning, which I wish to erase from my memory sicne I can't turn things around. My back was aching since yesterday evening, and legs felt like jelly. Add to that an allergic attack, which meant I was sneezing my head off this morning. In order to stop that I had to take an anti-allergic, so I couldn't take a pain-killer. Went to the University with the mother of all backaches. Was so dopey, I hardly registered what was happening and even missed roll call in the second lecture. Didn't bother to get myself marked later either. Luckily I have studied a bit today, so the day wasn't a total waste. But there is this overwhelming sense of incompleteness - I keep getting a feeling that something should have happened or that I'm forgetting something. Wonder what?
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