I Don't Want To Fight No More

They say my outlook towards life has changed. They say I'm becoming incresingly negative, cynical. They say I'm sad - that I should try and be happy. I wonder how they can have the gall to say these things to me, when they have been responsible for my tears, for the pain I've been through, particularly in the past few months. I wonder how they can look themselves in the eye and not flinch when they think of the lies and the betrayals. I've been kicked before - this isn't the first time and I've always forgiven, moved on and bounced back. But not this time - this time something inside me seems to have broken beyond repair. This time, I am not only hurt, I'm disgusted and I'm furious...and I want the person to pay for single-handedly opening my pandora's box, for reviving all the demons I thought I'd slain, for every tear I've shed, for the sleepless nights, for the hours I've spent staring blankly at the television while tears rolled down my face, for each time I reached out for my medicine to drown the pain.

I didn't want to believe - I held back for so long, but then I told myself that not everyone is a jerk, that I shouldn't punish new friends for mistakes made by someone before them. I should have gone with my first instinct. I should never have believed, for a little over a month after I opened my heart, allowed myself to believe the promises and I began to trust the person would be there for me, the door came slamming into my face - and I'm sitting once again surrounded by emotional debris in the aftermath of a storm that's splintered yet another friendship beyond repair. I fought the storm - I didn't want this to happen, but when the other person simply doesn't care about what happens to the friendship, when the person couldn't even care whether I live or die, what can I do?

I don't understand - I've never hurt any of my friends. I've never been embarassed of them, or been ashamed to admit to other friends and family that I love them. I've never hidden the fact that I'm spending time with them because they didn't gain the approval of someone else in my life. I've loved them despite their flaws - hell I've loved them for their flaws. I've loved them for who they are, not because they reminded me of someone else! I've always pushed aside my issues, my problems to be there for them when they needed me - smiled, laughed with them to make them feel better even when I was crying inside. I've bent over backwards to accomodate them, their whims and fancies, their eccentricities, their schedules - so why then do I get treated like a second-class citizen, whose feelings don't count? I thought I was a nice person to know and to have as a friend. Apparently some people don't agree with me.

I would never have called myself cynical or even pessimistic for that matter – always believing that things would fall into place in the end. I don't know anymore...all I know is that I don't deserve this. I don't want to feel this blind rage. I definitely don't want to be hurt. There's just so much I can take and this year has just been one blow after another. I'm retreating into a cocoon once again where noone can hurt me. I'm tired. I'm really tired.