A Note of Thanks

Dear God,
Yesterday evening Girish uncle, a family friend, who has had a heart attack and Angioplasty, was admitted to the hospital after feeling some discomfort in the chest. We rushed to the hospital obviously, since they are as close as family and we are practically the only people they know here in Pune - I had little to do, as my parents were with Uncle and Aunty and Bhaiyya was taking care of other stuff. As I sat there in the waiting room, for news, taking in all the details of the Cardiology center, overhearing snippets of conversations doctors/nurses/attendants were having with family members of patients – I got cold inside. Despite the fact that I had on a pullover I felt downright chilly inside – not so much because of the temperatures, as because of the memories it roused.

Circumstances were different yes, but I couldn’t help but remember the fear that had gripped me when my mother had a heart-attack in Jan 2002 . The Angiogram confirmed our worst fears – she had multiple blockages, one going up to 98%. She had a by-pass soon after – and those were some of the most terrifying and trying days of my life. Coming face-to-face with my mother’s mortality shook me deeply. I think I grew up the most in that one month – especially since I dealt with more than my mother’s illness. It was a crucial time for me, with my final year BA exams round the corner, and in those few months I realized who my true friends are… funny how you have to go through some kind of difficulty in order to see through farces and understand who truly is your friend and who’s there only while the good times last!

Luckily for me I do have some really great friends and they’ve seen me through each and every one of those trying phases in life – I hope I’ve been at least half as good a friend to them, as they have been to me. Sitting there in that waiting room last night, I thanked you for all that I’ve been blessed with. Just last week I was complaining of how life sucks – but let’s face it, life hasn’t been a series of hurdles for me. I have a great, supporting family, a fabulous set of friends…hell you have even blessed me with a heart bigger than most people! As for what’s missing, it’s up to me to ensure that the void is filled, right? After all, we make our own destinies, don’t we?

Yours gratefully,

Geetanjali

P.S Struck with wonder and horror at how some people don’t realize the gravity of a heart-attack – it’s almost like “just” another topic to discuss for them. Hell comparing a by-pass to an appendicitis operation – for Chrissake! People like that truly try my patience!

Brrrrrrr

It’s cold in Pune! LOL! Ok coming from me you’d think that’s a gross exaggeration and it’s probably just pleasant , but I like to believe that my resistance to the cold has improved a bit after having spent 3 months in Europe during winter and surviving sub-zero temperatures! Anyways I think I detest the cold winds the most – and Pune is VERY windy. Specially where we stay – when we shut our windows they sometimes rattle with the pressure of the wind outside! Up until now it hasn’t rained “properly” here – remember I’m accustomed to Bombay rains (read non-stop rains lashing the streets for days at end, flooded roads, over-flowing sewers, gusty winds, wet clothes, broken umbrellas et al) – but for the past few days it’s rained “a little” – i.e it drizzles all day. Add to this the wind and it gets quite cold. My classmates have actually come to class wearing sweaters and jackets! I resisted till yesterday when I finally pulled out my sleeveless sweater and thick Khadi jacket – cozier once I’m encased in either one of them! It feels funny – roaming around in jackets and sleeping with double covering, hardly ever switching the fan on! Hehe…guess I’ll really get to use my “winter-wear” in this city!

Word of the Day :

e·pis·te·mol·o·gy , n. The branch of philosophy that studies the nature of knowledge, its presuppositions and foundations, and its extent and validity.

Aslo see Epistmelogy, an Introduction for better understanding!

PS – Friends have expressed concern due to my last blog – just a small note – I’m not as bad as it sounds. It’s a phase that will pass – guess I just need to sort out some issues which will take me time. I might get low and as a result moody and rude at time – hope you’ll will bear with me! Thanks for all the support and offers to beat up the person concerned! :-)

Ick

Today should go down in the book as one of my worst days possible. I could hardly believe it as I slipped back into the vortex of negativity today. It’s been ages since I had no control over my rage – and today I sure did lose control. Black rage would be putting it mildly. It’s a different matter that once the rage inside me subsided, it was replaced by a melancholic mania of sorts. Thoughts I really don’t want to entertain surfaced to torment me – realizations that I’ve given too much once again and have only myself to blame. Doubts – about myself, my capabilities, what I’m worth. Questions – why don’t I learn to ask for what I want? Why do I stay silent when no one understands what it is that I am asking for? Especially when I ask so rarely? Why I take so much crap and don’t ever open my mouth when I’m being hurt? Not to the person inflicting the pain anyways. Why I swallow all that pain, never letting the person know the effect on me? Why? Why me?
Wallowing in narcissistic despair? Yeah that’s what it feels like – putting myself at the center of everything. But then I’m doing it inside me – or atleast I was till I wrote this blog. Well to hell with it – I need to get atleast some of this angst out…
Am I feeling better? Well not really – but then I know that’s not one thing that will change for the next few months. Been there, Done it once before…

From the Kitchen ;-)

Phew…

Am so exhausted today. And I’ve done nothing much. Being my day-off from class et al, I chilled out all day. Even managed to get an nice long nap in the afternoon. And then…

I entered the kitchen!
 
LOL! Man oh man, it may have been fun, and the labour definitely paid off, but am I bushed. Started chopping at 4pm and then the cooking – preparing the layers for my “Wholesome Spaghetti” meal, not to mention preparing the salad, soup and dessert. I finished at 7.40pm. Chop chop, mix, add a dash of this and that, taste..re-think, add some more of this, move onto neighbouring bowl, stir…what makes people opt for a career in cooking? It’s so incredibly tiring and back-breaking…bending over that chopping board, and then the stove! Well atleast my labours paid off and the food was totally appreciated. :-)
 
Need to focus on work again – haven’t been doing much of that in the past few days. Hmm..the wonders of freelancing – no need to sit daily to work! Ah ofcourse you still have to deliver, specially when you’re freelancing for an old acquaintance and can’t lose face! Double-edged sword eh?

Been doing some reading up on one of my favourite subjects – can’t wait to blog about it. LOL – I’m actually excited about a bloody blog! How happening could I get? *Sarcasm dripping from my fangs* Man oh man – am I diverting my energies elsewhere or am I? Ok Geets baby I see through your strategy, but I’m gonna let you follow it up, coz it will keep me sane! ;-)

PS Appu is in B’bay and I couldn’t go meet her…BOOHOO! Why? C’est pas juste!  

The Republic of Love

Last night my tummy was giving me “major traas” (read: I had a mild tummy ache) – now I’m not used to tummy troubles; normally my stomach is very stable and I rarely have any problems with it. So when I do, I’m perplexed, flummoxed and irritated – and can’t sleep. Since sleep eluded me, I figured I’d finish reading Carol Shield’s The Republic of Love which I’ve been at for around 10 days now. It’s my bus-time reading; I’ve not been devoting “quality-time” to books off-late, much to my dismay, shame, exasperation and frustration! Anyways this was my second Carol Shields novel and I think I quite like her style and content. For one, she is a women author (I’ve realized I tend to finish women’s novels faster and also relate to them more – obviously – and enjoy them more.) plus I like her style. Short chapters. Separate units that tie up neatly at the end of the novel. And she has a way of saying things – you know these things, but she says them for you. I’ve reviewed both novels, that I’ve read, on Literary Mosaic – in addition to that, here are some quotes from that caught my attention and had me marking the pages so I could note them down later:

“Well, I’ve finally figured out that being male is the same thing, more or less, as being born with a personality disorder”
 
-I salute the lady for this one! Priceless isn’t it?

“He’s never been to Europe; nothing there has ever seemed compelling enough to compensate for what he imagines to be an assault of massive stone monuments and continuous drenching rain. He fears, more than damp feet, the narrow Continental streets full of toxic haze, and unreadable European maps whose rivers, roads, railway lines and national boundaries wrinkle and shrink the eyesight of travelers and strip them clean of volition, of identity. Europe with its sneering face. Europe the mercenary uncle”
 
-The reason this caught my attention is because, seen in isolation, this paragraph reads very American – and Carol Shields is not American, but Canadian. A tad bit surprising –
1) Canada has had strong links with Europe (reference to their colonial history with Britain and France)
2) Hadn’t realized the Americans had such a strong impact on their psyche.
It’s funny that Europe has been equated to the “mercenary uncle” when Canada is struggling to assert it’s identity against, or rather despite, its muscular neighbour, the Big Bully Uncle Sam!
(Quickly checking her brief biography on the first page, I understand. Born and brought up in Chicago, she has lived in Canada only since 1957. Interesting. I’d love to compare this with other Canadian novelists.)

“They say Love makes angels of the wicked. That people in love are kinder in their ways, stronger in their resolve and lit from within by an incandescence so generous, impulsive, and willing, so mild, too, and almost innocent, that other people, observing them are reminded of young children – the good, stalwart, focused children of fairy tales.
They say love affects the blood-sugar level and that, all other things being equal, lovers will win Olympic medals, score higher on examinations, donate more generously to charities, ward off the most potent flu germs, and kindle the kind of rare happiness that deflects the envy of others.
They say love distorts judgements, so that the most morally robust can drift into evil, and the evil into goodness.
Another thing people say is that love quickens the sensory organs. Fingertips grow more sensitive and more eager. Hearing becomes acute, sometimes painfully so. The olfactory organs crackle and swell and make themselves known. And vision grows more precise, more penetrating…”
 
-Lets just say that it appealed to my romantic notions.

“It is impossible for us to live outside the culture we’re born into. Our communities claim us from the start, extending a thousand tentacles of possession, and Fay, a reasonable intelligent woman, has long recognised that reverence for individualism is one of the prime perversions of contemporary society. It is illogical and foolish. Oh, yes. We are bound to each other biologically and socially, intellectually and spiritually, and to abrogate our supporting network is to destroy ourselves.”
 
-What can I say? The lady knows how to say it!

“We’ve got to get back to neighbourliness. We’ve lost it. Saying good morning to each other? Saying how do you do, how are you feeling, how’s the world treating you? Recycling plastic bags is peanuts, ditto with phosphate-free detergent. We’re always hollering these days about the infrastructure of our cities, but love’s got an infrastructure, too. Love your neighbour, let him love you back a little. Love’s the greenest stuff going. Let’s hear it for love.”
 
-Amen!

La France m'appelle?

Today I saw a very nice movie based on the holocaust. Indirectly, but the inspiration was from that and we all know how fascinated I am with that subject. “La Passante du Sans Souci”. Filmed partly in Berlin and partly in France, it deals with the life of Max Baumstein, who murders a politician of Paraguay.
 
Max Baumstein is a well-known human rights activist and avowed pacifist who, to the shock and puzzlement of many, murders a politician from South America. As Baumstein goes to trial, it is revealed that his victim was in fact a Nazi war criminal who ordered the deaths of thousands of people -- including Baumstein's parents. In flashback, Max recalls the horrors of the Nazi occupation of France, and he remembers Elsa Weiner, a woman who helped save his life and struggled to free her husband Michel from a concentration camp after he was condemned for publishing anti-fascist literature.
 
Definitely a recommendation – oh did I forget to mention? It’s in French, but well…WATCH IT IF YOU CAN!!!
 
What else? Ah oui, my friend Patricia, spoke about me to a lady who I met at Dr.Bharucha’s place for dinner in Jan 2003. She trains people to teach French to foreigners and was in BBay with the French Embassy at that time. Anyways Pat meets her regularly and has enquired if I could spend a summer in France to aid my studies and how to go about it. So much so that the lady said she could make a few phone calls too, if I’m interested! Now talk about cool…
 
Seriously though, this means its time to get serious about all this now…sigh. How I hate planning for the future, things were supposed to just fall into place naturally…but one has to do a lot of thinking and planning, I guess, when one comes to this crossroad of life. Hmmm… 

Un Clou Chasse L'autre...

Haven’t blogged in ages – and have no clue why. I come online, chat, email and leave…hell I’ve even logged into Blogger several times, only to log out in a few minutes… 

Ok the changes in Blogger are damn cool - I can now change font size, colour et al without resorting to finding out the appropriate HTML code from more gayni friends! Ah merci Blogger for finally thinking about us non-techie janta, us simple folk! LOL! Ofcourse we could also do with some emoticons!! ;-)  Anyways I'm kicked with these new amenities (if I may use that word!) and so I'm going to launch into a loooooong blog!

My mind has been elsewhere these days. Un clou chasse l’autre – Life goes on. And it does. But those tiny niggling thoughts in your head prevent life from running smoothly, n’est ce pas ? Those tiny, annoying little fragments of thought that blow-up into monstrosities and make you act in ways you are later embarrassed about? Huh – I’ve had a fair share of those moments in the past fortnight. Frankly, I’m appalled and quite exasperated at the chain of events. But then what use lamenting now? Milk has been spilt already – time to rectify mistakes and ensure they don’t recur. And ensure that those thoughts do not interfere in my much fought for equilibrium. Balance – yeps that’s important in life. As I recently said, we must strive for a balance in life, coz the world is anyways quite crazily topsy-turvy. It’s upto us to create a balance and make sense of life as it is served to us.
 
Ha – enough of my contemplation. So I was in Bbay this weekend – finished off my convocation work. And spent time with Mansi – which was more important dunno, so don’t ask. LOL! It’s going to be funny going to Bbay once Mansi is gone – Amit has already gone. So has Appu….ok Kunu baba, I need you find work in Bbay! Do that and I’ll definitely fulfill your demand of finding myself a guy in Bbay! (Not that I need much urging to do that anyways! LOL!)
 
On the whole the trip was exhausting - I took an early morng bus from Pune and was in Dadar at 11am – after walking to the station, crossing over to the West , I went and sat in a train – a few minutes later I started wondering why the train wouldn’t move! It turned out that signals at Bandra weren’t working, so all trains were terribly slow and even more late…anyways I noticed that fast trains were atleast crawling, so I crossed platforms again and got into a Fast – upto Bandra, from where I switched to a slow upto Scruz. Under normal circumstances the whole journey from Dadar to the Univ shouldn’t have taken me more than 40 minutes  - I reached the Univ at 1.15 pm!
 
Kalina was one big lake of muck…and the office staff had but obviously gone on an extended lunch break! So anyways after waiting impatiently in a queue for nearly an hour I got my convocation form. Met Madhavi and Deepa on my way out  - had lunch with Madhavi– I was famished by the time we got our food! Got to Gayatri at 4.30!!! (I had hoped to be there by 1.30 -2 pm) Obviously I didn’t do a thing after that – the only exercise I got after that was that of the tongue. LOL – talked nineteen to a dozen with Mansi.
 
Caught “Laws of Attraction” on Sunday morng – the 10 am show again! LOL! Not with Hrishit though, this time with Mansi, a fellow Piercey fan!  Pierce Brosnan is HOT MAAL. I think for him, I’d happily give up someone else – LOL! After the movie I managed to pick up a collection of short stories by Russian Masters. Then home for lunch…and siesta! In the evening I was at Mocha - Bandra for a rendezvous with Amisha.
 
The next day I finished my convocation submission – went to meet Jackie to talk about the work I’m doing for him, and back to Gayatri for lunch. And then off to Dadar – call me bizarre but as I crossed the platforms with my rucksack on my back, I got nostalgic and remembered the days I crossed platforms in Europe! LOL – jerked back to reality when I saw a man stare at my chest and then got uncomfortably aware of how my tee-shirt was sticking to me!!! Muhaha – yeah reality sure hits you in the face eh?
 
Pretty much slept all the way back – sad coz the expressway is beautiful right now. Hardly an inch of ground is uncovered by some kind of foliage. To say it in French, toute est verdante. (Everything is green) – it leaves you spellbound and makes you itch for a camera. Puts all kinds of romantic notions of trekking in your head and generally makes you feel upbeat about life!
 
Now I’m back here – back to reality. This place has a tendency of making me pensive and depressive. Ick.
*Shudder*
 
Need some action in life – guess studies and work will have to provide that! Exciting prospect eh?  

Blissfully Unemployed?

One of my bestest buddies got gainfully employed last week. Hell she’s now working at a very impressive place and will draw a good salary. Apart from her, I seem to have an increasing number of friends who have free-lanced or worked their way through studies, not to mention those who’ve taken up jobs after graduation and post-graduation. I seem to be this oddity who’s still utterly vella and dithering between her options. Ick.

Sometimes I don’t think I’m doing any crime by taking my time – I want to be sure of my decision and not blunder my way into a wrong profession. Plus I want to be able to do my best at whatever I take up eventually – with studies I got away with good grades even though I put in just half the effort required – definitely half my capability. But I definitely don’t want to do that when it comes to my career.

As of now Alliance Francaise is my priority and any free-lancing I do would come second. Plus there are other things I want to make sense of, before plunging head-first into the big bad world of work-politics, commitments, responsibilities and taxes!

Someone once told me that being confused doesn’t mean I’m a loser. And then I'm continuously told that I show all signs of succeeding at whatever I take up.

Time shall tell I guess?

Bombay Rocks

Bombay Rocks.

Wish I could leave this blog at that. Coz that’s what I want to say – just that. Bombay Rocks. It’s THE place to be in India. I don’t think I’ll ever question the wide-scale exode to Mumbai ever again.

Was in Bombay this weekend – to meet my firang friends! Aditi, from L.A and Mansi, from Muscat both arrived last weekend. Apart from the fact that I’ve not met them in ages, and one of them is a bum-chum chaddi pal who has been my guardian angel ever since life got complicated, I needed an excuse to go to Bombay. So there I was – reached on Friday afternoon. Spent a fun weekend there – have gone to so many places in one day been up early, slept late, hardly slept – been exhausted to the core and yet been ready for more! The lazy lump I’d become in Pune just vanished into thin air! The city breathes life into me – what can I say? ;-)

Friday was completely spent with Mansi – there were other plans in my mind, but I can’t obviously always have my way. So well they didn’t work out – I was upset, very upset, but then reminded myself the rules of the game and forced myself back into maturity! LOL – yeah I can be mature occasionally. Mansi and I were talking till 2 am – and I got into bed at 3 am – though I hardly slept that night. Yeps – the same old problem of a myriad thoughts cluttering my mind and robbing my sleep. Ick. Gick.

Saturday – met up with Aditi and Amrita (from college) at Mocha. Mocha was divine comme d’hab. The incredible ambience, awesome music, Satay Chicken Panini and a Berry Blast. Divine. Cotton World, Adi’d place and Ashirwaad for softy – compelted my day-out. Evening was with Mansi again – yet another late night. Sat at the window of Suku’s 6th floor flat, where I was staying, and soaked in a rainy night. Nothing like watching the world from up there – looking down on a tree-lined avenue. Rain-drops ceaselessly pattering on the roofs, forcing the heavy branches to droop down further, lending a glossy sheen to the street below – very very nice. Conversation flowed easily and digressed all over, as it always does when I’m with Mansi.

I got several calls on Sat – why don’t people call me when I’m in Pune and not paying roaming charges on incoming? LOL – anyways Hrishit was one of them – and he fixed a Sunday morning date with me. Movie at 10 am – yeps, I asked him if he takes all women out at 10 am. 10 pm is more the time guys would aim for, right? Hahaha…so obviously I was up early on Sunday morning as well. Caught Monster at Fame Adlabs. Great movie. Great performances. Very convincing. Very disturbing. Defi not a movie to watch on a Sunday anoon. Good company. Lotsa obnoxious comments on my behalf. Laughs too.

Followed it up with lunch at Pop Tate’s with Madhavi and a quick visit to Lokhandwala. Next time I’m in Bombay I’m going with permission to shop. I so want to pick up a pair of capris from Cotton Cottage and mayhaps a skirt from Reeth. I’ll try and curtail my urges at that! Muhahahaha! :)

Evening plans with Amisha didn’t work out – but that got me more time with Mansi. Yeps I talked MORE! Walked upto Yari road and back – shit I miss those walks of ours. The crazy conversations, the exasperation when Mansi will ceaselessly shoot questions et al...

Came back today anoon, having caught a bus in the morning. Sigh – am already trying to plan another visit. Couldn’t catch Amit this time. Ick. Gick. Guess I’ll make it up next time, provided those plans of mine fall in place. I need divine intervention here – someone up there hearing me? ;-)
Shall stop now..think I’ve rambled on long enough, haven’t I?

Coming Up – Blog on Monster and Lakshya. Need to post my review on those movies!