Violated

Walking the tight-rope, treading a fine balance between right and wrong, I’ve been torn apart in the last couple of months with personal decisions. What lies ahead I do not know and never before has the uncertainty and darkness ahead gnawed so much at my insides, leaving them a mangled aftermath of a rat’s meal. A year ago I would have turned blindly to my blog for catharsis, but I hesitated this time. I’ve always known that this was a public domain and anything I published in this space was open to the scrutiny, analysis and opinion of all and sundry, creeps included. But when the creeps actually visit, it leaves you feeling violated. And I was violated. In the last one year my blog has been visited by people who dislike/hate me and used my blog to make nasty comments about me, people who have changed their identities to comment and falsely befriend me in the attempt to creep under my defenses and hurt me, people who have wanted to keep track of my activities and that of my family (believe me we aren’t that important) so they could manipulate me/us for their own selfish purposes. It’s left a rather acrimonious taste in my mouth, disgusted at how low people can sink, upset that people harbour such feelings towards me and perhaps left me at a loss of words for this space, something that has never happened in the five odd years that I’ve been blogging. The physical violation that followed the violation of my space has left me feeling angrier with the world. Angry. Helpless. Upset. Lost. Violated. As I struggle to piece together my peace and self-confidence both of which have been shattered to shards in the last couple of years, as I tackle with new fears, recurring nightmares and insomnia I wonder if I’ll ever find my joie de vivre again. Standing alone as I am today, I wonder if any of this is worth it. Why do I continue to blog? Why do I keep up with the farce that everything is alright? Why do I hope that tomorrow will be better? I wonder if my existence has any meaning, my presence/absence any significance to anyone. And yes I wonder why I have been violated in such a ruthless manner. Why then? Why now? Why again? And again?

PS Pardon me for the repetitiveness…just wanted to drill home the point.

The Alphabet Tag – since I’m not otherwise blogging...

...which deserves a seperate post.

A – Available?
Depends for what…

B – Best Friend(s)
Several, none close enough when I need them. And I need them so desperately right now.

C – Cake or Pie?
Is this going to be one of those Karan Johar rapid fire session? Argh…I don’t know? Both? So kill me, I have a sweet tooth.

D – Drink of Choice
Non-alcoholic : Fresh Lime Soda (Sweet)
Alcoholic : Wine – preferably White or a good Rosé like Montbazillac. Also Cognac - Remy Martin ofcourse.

E – Essential things used everyday
Hygiene and Skin Care paraphernalia, Mobile phone, Watch, Laptop, Wallet (with Money)…this is making me sound materialistic!

F – Favourite Colour
Blue

G - Gummi Bears or Worms?
Ugh. Neither. Thank you.

H – Hometown
Bombay

I – Indulgence
Don’t think I have any…no wait, there is one. Stolen evenings, or days for that matter!

J – January or February
January 2008.

K – Kids and names
Let me update this after a few years?

L – Life
…is screwing with me in a big way these days.

M – Marriage Date
Haven’t the faintest clue. I’ll let you know when I have one!

N – Number of Siblings
1. Elder brother.

O – Oranges or Apples
Apples. Haven’t you heard? An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

P – Phobias
Heights. Elevators. Loneliness. Losing the one I love.

Q – Quote.
"Ask yourself if you are happy, and you cease to be." - J. S. Mill

R – Reason to Smile
Sunrises. Flowers. A good class. a good book. A good meal. A rainy day. Afternoons spent soaking in the sun at the University. Evenings with my closest friend(s). Indulgence.

S – Season
Winter. Monsoons.

T – Tagged
Those who actually took up the tag last time as well…plus Madusa and Kitana if they read this.

U – Unknown fact about me
I’ve been molested. Twice.

V – Vegetable you do not like.
Bitter Gourd…can I please add a lentil? I abhor Chane ki daal – can’t get it down my throat. The “only” occasion I have both of these is on Ganesh Chaturthi at best friend’s home since it is part of Prasad.

W – Worst Habit(s)
I bite my finger nail when I’m depressed. It’s a give-away about my emotional state.
I believe people when they say they won’t let me down. I hurt. Easily.

X – X-rays you’ve had
Chest – as a child, many, since I had many issues related to my heart. They gave way to more serious and painful tests later…
Mouth – for dental problems I’ve often ignored and left untreated (recently – which reminds me, a visit to the torture chamber is due!!!)

Y – Your favourite food(s)
Canneloni Florentine. Vegetable au Gratin. Dum Aloo. Dahi wale aloo. Lauki ke kofte. Reshmi Kebabs. Vegetable Stew prepared in coconut milk. Lotus stems the way Amma makes them, and the way they are served at Whispering Bamboos, Blue Diamond. Hakka noodles. Pineapple pastry. Lemon tart. Lemon soufflé. Malpua. Bengali mithai.
For someone who eats to live, and not the other way around, that’s quite a list!

Z – Zodiac
Libra – the balance. Wise. (They say). Calm. (Not these days, believe me) Diplomatic. (Unfortunately so much so at times, people don’t realise when I would give anything to see them guillotined!)