They say my outlook towards life has changed. They say I'm becoming incresingly negative, cynical. They say I'm sad - that I should try and be happy. I wonder how they can have the gall to say these things to me, when they have been responsible for my tears, for the pain I've been through, particularly in the past few months. I wonder how they can look themselves in the eye and not flinch when they think of the lies and the betrayals. I've been kicked before - this isn't the first time and I've always forgiven, moved on and bounced back. But not this time - this time something inside me seems to have broken beyond repair. This time, I am not only hurt, I'm disgusted and I'm furious...and I want the person to pay for single-handedly opening my pandora's box, for reviving all the demons I thought I'd slain, for every tear I've shed, for the sleepless nights, for the hours I've spent staring blankly at the television while tears rolled down my face, for each time I reached out for my medicine to drown the pain.
I didn't want to believe - I held back for so long, but then I told myself that not everyone is a jerk, that I shouldn't punish new friends for mistakes made by someone before them. I should have gone with my first instinct. I should never have believed, for a little over a month after I opened my heart, allowed myself to believe the promises and I began to trust the person would be there for me, the door came slamming into my face - and I'm sitting once again surrounded by emotional debris in the aftermath of a storm that's splintered yet another friendship beyond repair. I fought the storm - I didn't want this to happen, but when the other person simply doesn't care about what happens to the friendship, when the person couldn't even care whether I live or die, what can I do?
I don't understand - I've never hurt any of my friends. I've never been embarassed of them, or been ashamed to admit to other friends and family that I love them. I've never hidden the fact that I'm spending time with them because they didn't gain the approval of someone else in my life. I've loved them despite their flaws - hell I've loved them for their flaws. I've loved them for who they are, not because they reminded me of someone else! I've always pushed aside my issues, my problems to be there for them when they needed me - smiled, laughed with them to make them feel better even when I was crying inside. I've bent over backwards to accomodate them, their whims and fancies, their eccentricities, their schedules - so why then do I get treated like a second-class citizen, whose feelings don't count? I thought I was a nice person to know and to have as a friend. Apparently some people don't agree with me.
I would never have called myself cynical or even pessimistic for that matter – always believing that things would fall into place in the end. I don't know anymore...all I know is that I don't deserve this. I don't want to feel this blind rage. I definitely don't want to be hurt. There's just so much I can take and this year has just been one blow after another. I'm retreating into a cocoon once again where noone can hurt me. I'm tired. I'm really tired.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Dog Day
(A one-time Orange, now Hutch advertisement, that seems to capture the essence of my days perfectly! God I'm bummed out these days, not to mention feeling like I could fade off the surface of the earth and no one would really care. Grumpf.)Saturday, September 09, 2006
The Wonder Years (1988-1993)
I'm from that generation that witnessed the entry of "Cable TV" into their homes and watched English programmes on a rationed Star Plus that was initially aired only in the evenings and gradually became a 24/7 channel. I grew up watching The Wonder Years, that awesome, warm, intelligent, lovely, bitter-sweet tale of Kevin Arnold growing up in suburban USA - I kinda grew up with him and miss watching it. Went back to some quotes from the show - here are my favourites:-
“All our young lives we search for someone to love. Someone who makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope... all the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, there's someone perfect... who might be searching for us.”
“Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is, we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves... for growing up.”
"Change is never easy. You fight to hold on. You fight to let go. "
"Love can tear and rip you apart. It can kill you. But if you’re lucky, it can put you back together. "
"Winnie Cooper: Yes I do like him.. not like-him-like-him but yes I do like him."
“All our young lives we search for someone to love. Someone who makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope... all the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, there's someone perfect... who might be searching for us.”
“Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is, we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves... for growing up.”
"Change is never easy. You fight to hold on. You fight to let go. "
"Love can tear and rip you apart. It can kill you. But if you’re lucky, it can put you back together. "
"Winnie Cooper: Yes I do like him.. not like-him-like-him but yes I do like him."
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
On the Tragicomedy that is My Life!
05.45 hrs. 04/09/2006.
The alarm rung and I rolled out of bed to get ready and leave for class at 06.45 hrs. I was out of the house dot on time, got a bus easily enough and was at Alliance Française at 07.45, not too early but early enough for class. The staff room was open, so even though I was there as a student at that time, I walked in and settled myself in one of the armchairs. I was reading the papers, when at 07.57 something started bothering me. There didn’t seem to by any other students around. Ok, so the students aren’t as punctual as I am, but surely the professor would be here by now? I knew something wasn’t right and with my luck class had probably been cancelled!
At 08.02 one of the receptionists (the nice, efficient one) who’s doing 1B right now walked up the stairs and expressed astonishment at seeing me there so early – when I told her that I was there for the Cours de Traduction, she stared at me in disbelief and confirmed my suspicions. “But didn’t ****** call you and inform you that it’s not starting today? There aren’t enough students! What will you do now?” I had two hours before my class – boy was I early for class today! I shrugged my shoulders in resignation and said I’d probably kill time at a café till 09.30.
I called up my guardian angel in Pune, Kitana, who seems to have always been there when I needed a friend in the recent past. After expressing my irritation and frustration I told her I’m going to go grab a cuppa cappuccino at the nearby Barista (our Adda). I picked up my bag and decided to walk down since it was a lovely morning with a nice, refreshingly cool breeze.
The alarm rung and I rolled out of bed to get ready and leave for class at 06.45 hrs. I was out of the house dot on time, got a bus easily enough and was at Alliance Française at 07.45, not too early but early enough for class. The staff room was open, so even though I was there as a student at that time, I walked in and settled myself in one of the armchairs. I was reading the papers, when at 07.57 something started bothering me. There didn’t seem to by any other students around. Ok, so the students aren’t as punctual as I am, but surely the professor would be here by now? I knew something wasn’t right and with my luck class had probably been cancelled!
At 08.02 one of the receptionists (the nice, efficient one) who’s doing 1B right now walked up the stairs and expressed astonishment at seeing me there so early – when I told her that I was there for the Cours de Traduction, she stared at me in disbelief and confirmed my suspicions. “But didn’t ****** call you and inform you that it’s not starting today? There aren’t enough students! What will you do now?” I had two hours before my class – boy was I early for class today! I shrugged my shoulders in resignation and said I’d probably kill time at a café till 09.30.
I called up my guardian angel in Pune, Kitana, who seems to have always been there when I needed a friend in the recent past. After expressing my irritation and frustration I told her I’m going to go grab a cuppa cappuccino at the nearby Barista (our Adda). I picked up my bag and decided to walk down since it was a lovely morning with a nice, refreshingly cool breeze.
***
The Way It Happens in The World of Novels:-
I walk down to Barista, the breeze playing with my hair, smiling at the sound of the birds chirping in the trees and the sight of people rushing to work, while I was going to enjoy an unexpected cup of coffee! A short walk later, I walked into a cozy, welcoming café, ordered my cappuccino and croissant (or better yet, bagel!) and settled into the couch with my novel. Once I had my coffee, I curled up and lost myself in the novel, only to find myself disturbed with “Could I be impertinent as disturbing you?” I look up into a pair of the warmest eyes, twinkling lightly with humour and mischief. A little surprised at this new turn of events, I just stared at him tongue-tied. He pulled out the accompanying arm-chair and introduced himself. Pulling myself together, I reminded him pertly that I hadn’t asked him to join me. Lifting an eyebrow lazily he asked me if it would bother me so much to humour a fellow human for a few minutes. At a loss for words again, I just shrugged and reached hurriedly for my cup to hide my confusion…
Forty minutes later, I reached reluctantly for my bag. It was time for class – time seemed to have flown past, so enjoyable had the conversation been. He rose with me, reaching for his car keys that were lying on the table between us, lifting that eye brow inquiringly, “Let me drop you to work?” I smiled back in agreement. We parted ways at the gate having fixed a date for dinner (obviously candle-lit) later in the week and I walked up the steps of the building with lightness to my step that hadn’t been there earlier.
The Way It Happens in The Real World:-
I started walking to Barista, enjoying the walk and the cool breeze, despite the fact that the roads were dug up and thus dusty. I reach Barista, itching to wash my face because it feels coated with several layers of dust and the exhaust fumes from all the vehicles that had raced past me carrying their hassled, frustrated owners to work…only to find the gates firmly shut! The watchman informs me that it won’t open till after 09.00! Am I supposed to have my early morning cup of coffee at mid-morning? Refusing to let myself believe there’s a conspiracy against me, I head to the Café Coffee Day further down the road – that too, is not yet open! ARGH!!!
Feeling my blood begin to simmer, I hit the speed dial button for Kitana and wail in distress! She suggests Krishna, an Udipi between the two cafés, promising to join me soon. I head over to Krishna (it’s open and serving breakfast – god bless Udipis!) and order filter coffee. As I waited for Kitana to join me and watched the people walk/drive past, my mind began to idly drift in the direction of a story. But, this is the REAL world, so I dragged myself back to reality, pulled out my diary and started jotting down notes for the next day’s class and making an exercise!
Kitana arrived soon enough and we chatted for a while before heading back at AFP – I learnt there from the super-inefficient and extremely annoying receptionist that he has “misplaced” my form and that’s why he “forgot” to call me! ARGH!!! Stamping down the urge to break something over his nearly bald head, I told him that’s not my fault. Accepting his sorry excuse of an apology, I walked out of the reception wearily, wondering when the class would start…ah well, I had a class to take in 2 minutes and had to walk in with a smile!
***
So, ladies and gentlemen, Cours de Traduction is temporarily postponed/shelved until further notice and I’m now waiting to see whether this course or Diplôme en Français d’Affaires will start first and will enroll myself for which ever beats the other!
On a lighter note, Kitana and I went for Asterix and the Vikings after my class – it is such a FUN film (goes without saying since it’s an Asterix, but yet!)! My first Asterix film in English – a very “rocking” and modern Asterix, if I may say so myself, this is a complete Must-see!
Yet another nice thing to happen – today was Teacher’s Day (my first as a teacher)! I walked into class to receive compliments for my dress and perfume - my eyebrows must have hit my hairline when one of the male students sniffed appreciatively at me and said the perfume is excellent! He was followed by the other students who wished me and presented me with a lovely card (personally made), flowers and a chocolate! My day was made – totally!
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Alias Grace - Book Review
Even though my promised review of Casa Rossa is not yet up (I'll put it up - cross my heart and all that), here I come with yet another review of another Atwood. Alias Grace, which took me embarassingly long to finish, given my current discontent with the world (myself included) at large. Check it out people!
Update :- I'm going to be studying again! Lève les bras, danse avec moi! Cours de traduction (Translation course) starting Monday. Twice a week only, so it's not going to be hectic...and it fits in quite well with my current class schedule - quite excited about it. Hope it doesn't turn out to be a wrong decision! And there's this one other thing that I hope falls into place...let's see. *crossing my fingers*
Current Music :- Crossroad (the album) by Bon Jovi.
Current Mood :- Implaccably ruthless. I want my pound of flesh..and I just got it.
Update :- I'm going to be studying again! Lève les bras, danse avec moi! Cours de traduction (Translation course) starting Monday. Twice a week only, so it's not going to be hectic...and it fits in quite well with my current class schedule - quite excited about it. Hope it doesn't turn out to be a wrong decision! And there's this one other thing that I hope falls into place...let's see. *crossing my fingers*
Current Music :- Crossroad (the album) by Bon Jovi.
Current Mood :- Implaccably ruthless. I want my pound of flesh..and I just got it.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Who Needs A Guy?
I've been known to to speak my mind when I'm with my close friends, but rarely do I bother wasting my energies with strangers (preferring instead to mentally lash out at them or havemy fun at their expense later - yeah I'm wicked) - but sometimes I can't hold my tongue and then ofcourse much fun happens :-)
I recently had much fun and gave an obnoxious relative a mini-heart attacks of sorts...thought I'd share the fun...
(Scene - I'd taken the pain to dress up after ages, so I was actually looking quite raapchik, even if I say so myself!)
Obnoxious Relative :- You know, Geetanjali bitiya is quite pretty and can look quite nice if she makes an effort.
Me :- I know. What exactly is the point being driven home here?
OR :- You would look so much better if you took care of your looks and wore contact lenses.
Me :- I think I look nice enough just as I am, thank you.
OR :- But imagine what nice boys you'd get if you made some effort!
Me :- Maybe I don't want a nice boy...
OR :- *Look of confusion and a little shock*
ME :- Seriously, why would I want a guy? What can a guy give me today that a girl can't?
OR :- *Complete shock*
(Others in room stare at me with their jaws dropping to the floor, some chortling in glee at my wickedness, knowing I'm going to have some poor souls worrying about my sexual preferences and probably concluding this is the reason why I'm still unmarried at the grand old age of 24 years!)
Me :- *Bliss* (I know she won't bother me for some time now! SCORE!!!)
(More such crazy conversations - In Paris and at Getting Gorgeous at CCD
New word discovered that I'm dying to use - tarantism (TAR-uhn-tiz-uhm) noun - An uncontrollable urge to dance.
[After Taranto, a town in southern Italy where this phenomenon was experienced during the 15-17th centuries. It's not clear whether tarantism was the symptom of a spider's bite or its cure, or it may have been just a pretext to dodge a prohibition against dancing. The names of the dance tarantella and the spider tarantula are both derived from the same place.]
Current Music :- Rock On (the new version) by Def Leppard
Current Mood :- Restless. Blue. Wicked. Satisfied.
I recently had much fun and gave an obnoxious relative a mini-heart attacks of sorts...thought I'd share the fun...
(Scene - I'd taken the pain to dress up after ages, so I was actually looking quite raapchik, even if I say so myself!)
Obnoxious Relative :- You know, Geetanjali bitiya is quite pretty and can look quite nice if she makes an effort.
Me :- I know. What exactly is the point being driven home here?
OR :- You would look so much better if you took care of your looks and wore contact lenses.
Me :- I think I look nice enough just as I am, thank you.
OR :- But imagine what nice boys you'd get if you made some effort!
Me :- Maybe I don't want a nice boy...
OR :- *Look of confusion and a little shock*
ME :- Seriously, why would I want a guy? What can a guy give me today that a girl can't?
OR :- *Complete shock*
(Others in room stare at me with their jaws dropping to the floor, some chortling in glee at my wickedness, knowing I'm going to have some poor souls worrying about my sexual preferences and probably concluding this is the reason why I'm still unmarried at the grand old age of 24 years!)
Me :- *Bliss* (I know she won't bother me for some time now! SCORE!!!)
(More such crazy conversations - In Paris and at Getting Gorgeous at CCD
New word discovered that I'm dying to use - tarantism (TAR-uhn-tiz-uhm) noun - An uncontrollable urge to dance.
[After Taranto, a town in southern Italy where this phenomenon was experienced during the 15-17th centuries. It's not clear whether tarantism was the symptom of a spider's bite or its cure, or it may have been just a pretext to dodge a prohibition against dancing. The names of the dance tarantella and the spider tarantula are both derived from the same place.]
Current Music :- Rock On (the new version) by Def Leppard
Current Mood :- Restless. Blue. Wicked. Satisfied.
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Move Along
It's a nice, bright Sunday - the skies are a clear azure after ages (hell, I don't even remember when was the last time we had a such a beautiful day!), the breeze that's blowing through the window is delightfully cool and is ruffling the curtain ever so lightly (not to mention my freshly washed, fragrant hair). All this should have set my heart skipping out a jolly tune and a smile fluttering lightly on my lips..why then is my heart sinking into the grips of fingers so icy they hurt as they tighten and squeeze around my heart?
Current Music :- Move Along by The All American Rejects
"When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through"
Current Music :- Move Along by The All American Rejects
"When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through"
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Sigh...
Spent some lovely relaxed moments with a friend the past two days - and coming home today, I was hit by how short-lived, how ephemereal these moments of joy are...and I smiled almost sadly to myself. It makes me treasure these moments all the more, for I know that in the next couple of months my "social" life is going to go downhill again. The pampering is over, soon the fun, too shall be a thing of the past. Sigh.
Current Mood :- Restless. Fed-up of being walked all over and being taken for granted. Disillusioned and disappointed.
Question of the Day :- Why do people make promises they never intended to keep?
Current Mood :- Restless. Fed-up of being walked all over and being taken for granted. Disillusioned and disappointed.
Question of the Day :- Why do people make promises they never intended to keep?
Monday, August 21, 2006
Thought Cloud
Rains. Torrents.
Wet. Disillusioned. Greens. Potholes. Pain.
Hungry. Not. Bored. Garam Chai. Fritters. Tears.
Cappuccino. Hurting. Where’s the Sun? Memories.Black.
My chest hurts. So does my back. And my head. And my heart.
Nostalgia. Bored. I need a Book. Anger. Questions. Bruised. Battered. Grumpf.
Defeated.“It Must Have Been Love”. Idle hours. Emptiness. Disgust.
Blah! “Hasta La Vista”. Cognac.Employment. Apathy. Resolutions.
Craters. Muck. Ick. “I Will Survive.” Am I Not Good Enough?
Wicked. Fangs. Plain Jane. Independence. New focus.
A New Day. Sunshine. Atlast. Busy again.
I Miss you Papa. A lot. Blue.
Wet. Disillusioned. Greens. Potholes. Pain.
Hungry. Not. Bored. Garam Chai. Fritters. Tears.
Cappuccino. Hurting. Where’s the Sun? Memories.Black.
My chest hurts. So does my back. And my head. And my heart.
Nostalgia. Bored. I need a Book. Anger. Questions. Bruised. Battered. Grumpf.
Defeated.“It Must Have Been Love”. Idle hours. Emptiness. Disgust.
Blah! “Hasta La Vista”. Cognac.Employment. Apathy. Resolutions.
Craters. Muck. Ick. “I Will Survive.” Am I Not Good Enough?
Wicked. Fangs. Plain Jane. Independence. New focus.
A New Day. Sunshine. Atlast. Busy again.
I Miss you Papa. A lot. Blue.
Floral skirt. Pink. Pretty.
Content. Peace.
Content. Peace.
Friday, August 18, 2006
Out Of Action
Temporarily out ofa ction due to unforeseen circumstances (that being voltage fluctutation which got through UPS and spike-buster which rendered useless the computer, which is essential for blogging!!) ...
Sigh, such is the life these days! Please to be the forgiving and to be the missing my lovable presence...
Sigh, such is the life these days! Please to be the forgiving and to be the missing my lovable presence...
Friday, August 11, 2006
Aaj Kal Hassi Badi Mehengi Ho Rakhhi Hai Duniya Mein
Omkara. Vishal Bharadwaj's adaptation of the Shakesperian tragedy Othello. I've seen it twice and I'd gladly go for it a third time, without a second's hesitation, provided it's still running in cinemas after the release of that god-awful Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna. No, I haven't seen the latter and neither do I have any intention of doing so - I've successfully avoided most of theYash Raj - Johar banner films since KKHH and I'm damn proud of it! Unfortunately Omkara is already making its way out of cinemas (atleast in Pune) - and once again I am appalled at how culturally ignorant and philistine we can get! I won't bother waxing lyrical about the brilliance of the film - the adaptation to a very believable north-Indian semi-urban milieu, the casting (yes even Kareena Kapoor failed to get on my nerves) and characterisation, the music (I simply can't stop humming the title track and "Bidi"), the attention to detail (did you notice Kareena's nails in the scene at the prison at the beginning of the film?), not to mention the performances (Konkana, being the best - how that lady transforms from a Bengali to an Iyer Brahmin to a hip-young-urban-journalist to an uneducated woman from a UP village is just unbelievably awesome!) are all worthy of a standing ovation.
I won't even bother lashing out at the junta that went for the movie and walked out saying they got bored and didn't understand it - can hardly blame them, if they've been fed sentimental crap like Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gam (gag!!!), or worse the Garam Masala genre of comedy (puke!!!) - ab unpadh ko kya samjhana Shakespeare kaun tha! What I fail to understand and forgive is the educated lot, who have read a reasonable amount of literature and who walk out saying the film was a torture, that it gave them a headache..and the worst of them all, that Shakespeare was a sadist to write tragedies!!! Mon Dieu - could we indulge in any more blasphemous sacrilege? How do you explain to these people what a wealth of knowledge about the human psychology is to be gleaned from Shakespeare's plays, that all the courses of psychology and HR management couldn't teach you what reading (and understanding the meaning behind the words) Shakespeare's plays could teach you? And pray, tell me what's this nonsense about cinema existing only to provide entertainment (and that too, the senseless variety?) - whatever happened to cinema being the Seventh Art and Art existing to represent Reality, not to mention make us stop and think? Where, where have we gone and donated our grey cells? Why, why are we insisting on turning into this mindless pulp of humanity that cannot deal with an intelligent subject?
[Read Aristera's review of the film - I couldn't agree more with him!]
Current Mood :- On the warpath since Wednesday - have been sharpening my talons and fangs and sinking them into every available (not to mention unsuspecting) victim at the slightest opportunity. Inner angst makes me shed my angelic demeanour!
Current Music :- Kylie Minogue - Come Into My World, In My Eyes, More More More
Current Book :- Alias Grace - Margaret Atwood
I won't even bother lashing out at the junta that went for the movie and walked out saying they got bored and didn't understand it - can hardly blame them, if they've been fed sentimental crap like Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gam (gag!!!), or worse the Garam Masala genre of comedy (puke!!!) - ab unpadh ko kya samjhana Shakespeare kaun tha! What I fail to understand and forgive is the educated lot, who have read a reasonable amount of literature and who walk out saying the film was a torture, that it gave them a headache..and the worst of them all, that Shakespeare was a sadist to write tragedies!!! Mon Dieu - could we indulge in any more blasphemous sacrilege? How do you explain to these people what a wealth of knowledge about the human psychology is to be gleaned from Shakespeare's plays, that all the courses of psychology and HR management couldn't teach you what reading (and understanding the meaning behind the words) Shakespeare's plays could teach you? And pray, tell me what's this nonsense about cinema existing only to provide entertainment (and that too, the senseless variety?) - whatever happened to cinema being the Seventh Art and Art existing to represent Reality, not to mention make us stop and think? Where, where have we gone and donated our grey cells? Why, why are we insisting on turning into this mindless pulp of humanity that cannot deal with an intelligent subject?
[Read Aristera's review of the film - I couldn't agree more with him!]
Current Mood :- On the warpath since Wednesday - have been sharpening my talons and fangs and sinking them into every available (not to mention unsuspecting) victim at the slightest opportunity. Inner angst makes me shed my angelic demeanour!
Current Music :- Kylie Minogue - Come Into My World, In My Eyes, More More More
Current Book :- Alias Grace - Margaret Atwood
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Happy Friendship Day (ahem)
For the longest time I’ve silently rebelled at being judged by others’ parameters of what’s acceptable and what’s not. Through-out adolescence I had major issues with the whole concept of “cool” and “hep” and being “in” – having gone through a tumultuous adolescence and felt excluded and to quite an extent, marginalized and yes, judged by ridiculous standards, I developed a strong dislike for pigeon-holing of people into categories, just any Tom Dick and Harry who doesn’t even know you. Till today I react strongly at being cast into a particular image…
I thought I’d left all these things behind, but it seems not. Irrespective of how old one gets, one continues to be judged by others – what’s worse is that it’s not always the stranger or the outsider that does it. When close friends who are apparently there because they’ve accepted you for what you truly are, suddenly rear up and start judging you on the basis of appearances or hold you at gun-point for what is not acceptable to them, it feels like the worst kind of betrayal. Isn’t friendship supposed to be based on acceptance of differences? It forces me to take a step back and re-evaluate my friendships – forces me to think before I talk about something…and that to me is not real friendship. That’s a bloody farce in the name of friendship and frankly I could do without it…
…oh I almost forgot, today is Friendship Day! Right then, Happy Friendship Day to all of you out there – remember to be true to your “friends” through-out the year not just this one day. (Total kill-joy, ain’t I?) :-)
Current Mood – Wierdly pensive and dark to suit the dull, grey, watery weather.
Current Music - Walk Away – Kelly Clarkson
Current Book – NOTHING! I haven’t touched a book in what seems like aeons – I need to read something and feel good about myself again. Time to hit the cartons for books not yet read…
I thought I’d left all these things behind, but it seems not. Irrespective of how old one gets, one continues to be judged by others – what’s worse is that it’s not always the stranger or the outsider that does it. When close friends who are apparently there because they’ve accepted you for what you truly are, suddenly rear up and start judging you on the basis of appearances or hold you at gun-point for what is not acceptable to them, it feels like the worst kind of betrayal. Isn’t friendship supposed to be based on acceptance of differences? It forces me to take a step back and re-evaluate my friendships – forces me to think before I talk about something…and that to me is not real friendship. That’s a bloody farce in the name of friendship and frankly I could do without it…
…oh I almost forgot, today is Friendship Day! Right then, Happy Friendship Day to all of you out there – remember to be true to your “friends” through-out the year not just this one day. (Total kill-joy, ain’t I?) :-)
Current Mood – Wierdly pensive and dark to suit the dull, grey, watery weather.
Current Music - Walk Away – Kelly Clarkson
Current Book – NOTHING! I haven’t touched a book in what seems like aeons – I need to read something and feel good about myself again. Time to hit the cartons for books not yet read…
Friday, August 04, 2006
Monday, July 31, 2006
Goodbyes Suck!
I hate saying Goodbye...and I'm dreading the moment more than I care to admit. FUCK but I'm going to miss her so god-damn-much!
Current Music:- J'ai besoin d'amour - Lorie
Current Mood:- Nostalgic. Contemplative. Cold. Tired.
Current Music:- J'ai besoin d'amour - Lorie
Current Mood:- Nostalgic. Contemplative. Cold. Tired.
Friday, July 28, 2006
Random Tag...
I thought..such things don't REALLY happen, but they apparently do.
I said...I wouldn't fall but I did anyways!
I want to...make my parents proud of me.
I wish... I could turn back time.
I miss... Papa. Alot.
I hear... they don’t make them like that anymore.
I wonder... about many things, not all of them worthwhile.
I regret... not having said enough when I had the time.
I am... a hopeless romantic, boringly sensible and quite practical, even though undeniably eccentric.
I dance... rarely in public, but very often (and best) in the mornings all by myself.
I sing... terribly out-of-tune.
I cry... way too often these days.
I am not always... sensible, much is the pity.
I write...not as well as I would like to and not nearly as much as I'd like to.
I confuse... people alot when I "zap" into my juvenile mode!
I need... to feel like I'm in control of my life.
I should try... to let go sometimes.
I finish... things I take up voluntarily, but not those forced onto me.
I get turned on by . . . intelligence and honesty when it comes to emotions.
I seek . . . happiness.
I won’t . . . ever be such a blind besotted fool again.
I shouldn’t . . .worry so much.
I confess . . . to enjoying Mills & Boons (there goes down the drain any future attempt at Literary Snobbery!)
I claim . . .to be Plain Jane :-)
I said...I wouldn't fall but I did anyways!
I want to...make my parents proud of me.
I wish... I could turn back time.
I miss... Papa. Alot.
I hear... they don’t make them like that anymore.
I wonder... about many things, not all of them worthwhile.
I regret... not having said enough when I had the time.
I am... a hopeless romantic, boringly sensible and quite practical, even though undeniably eccentric.
I dance... rarely in public, but very often (and best) in the mornings all by myself.
I sing... terribly out-of-tune.
I cry... way too often these days.
I am not always... sensible, much is the pity.
I write...not as well as I would like to and not nearly as much as I'd like to.
I confuse... people alot when I "zap" into my juvenile mode!
I need... to feel like I'm in control of my life.
I should try... to let go sometimes.
I finish... things I take up voluntarily, but not those forced onto me.
I get turned on by . . . intelligence and honesty when it comes to emotions.
I seek . . . happiness.
I won’t . . . ever be such a blind besotted fool again.
I shouldn’t . . .worry so much.
I confess . . . to enjoying Mills & Boons (there goes down the drain any future attempt at Literary Snobbery!)
I claim . . .to be Plain Jane :-)
Monday, July 24, 2006
Quarter-life Crisis?
If someone asked me a month back if I’d ever stop blogging, I’d reply in the negative without a second’s hesitation. Not any longer – despite the fact that my blog has been my baby for the last three years, I find myself hesitating when I approach it these days. Unfortunately my blog has been the reason for some misunderstandings in my life, and it has forced me to question if perhaps my blog hasn’t played a hand in complicating my life a little. As it is, since the beginning of this year life has been a freaking roller-coaster with a tendency to swerve in any odd direction it wishes.
So many times over the past few months, I’ve stopped myself and questioned my actions – so many of the events in the last few months don’t seem like my life, so many of my actions don’t seem like mine. But it is my life and they are my actions – I worry constantly about what I’m doing. I worry that one wrong decision today could lead to a lot of pain and confusion tomorrow. Then again how can I be so sure that the said decision would be wrong? I worry that I’m being selfish in allowing myself to enjoy the happiness that is coming my way. Then again don’t I deserve it? I worry that the happiness is temporary. Then again isn’t happiness always temporary? Don’t troubles and worries always dog the steps of content and peace? So then I worry that I worry too much and that I worry needlessly.
Gah – add to it the confusions created by what I’ve said on my blog – it’s almost like Geebaby too is going through some kind of quarter-life crisis! Sometimes I think I should perhaps not blog anymore! * Shudder * No, I don’t think that is possible – Geebaby has been MY space to vent out thoughts and emotions and any scant creative bursts for too long now and I don’t think I can completely give it up…but perhaps it’s time Geebaby grew up and donned a different avatar.
So there, you have it, there are going to be some changes here people – I may be back from the short hiatus, but I ain’t the same no more!
Current Music:- Wind of Change - Scorpions, Something Stupid - Robbie Williams and Nicole Kidman, Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough - Patty Smith, To Be With You - Mr. Big (the last two being two of my favourite romantic tracks!)
Current Book:- Brainfever Bird – Allan Sealy
Current Mood:- Swerving between contemplative and content – haven’t felt this good about myself in ages and I’m finding it bloody odd!
So many times over the past few months, I’ve stopped myself and questioned my actions – so many of the events in the last few months don’t seem like my life, so many of my actions don’t seem like mine. But it is my life and they are my actions – I worry constantly about what I’m doing. I worry that one wrong decision today could lead to a lot of pain and confusion tomorrow. Then again how can I be so sure that the said decision would be wrong? I worry that I’m being selfish in allowing myself to enjoy the happiness that is coming my way. Then again don’t I deserve it? I worry that the happiness is temporary. Then again isn’t happiness always temporary? Don’t troubles and worries always dog the steps of content and peace? So then I worry that I worry too much and that I worry needlessly.
Gah – add to it the confusions created by what I’ve said on my blog – it’s almost like Geebaby too is going through some kind of quarter-life crisis! Sometimes I think I should perhaps not blog anymore! * Shudder * No, I don’t think that is possible – Geebaby has been MY space to vent out thoughts and emotions and any scant creative bursts for too long now and I don’t think I can completely give it up…but perhaps it’s time Geebaby grew up and donned a different avatar.
So there, you have it, there are going to be some changes here people – I may be back from the short hiatus, but I ain’t the same no more!
Current Music:- Wind of Change - Scorpions, Something Stupid - Robbie Williams and Nicole Kidman, Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough - Patty Smith, To Be With You - Mr. Big (the last two being two of my favourite romantic tracks!)
Current Book:- Brainfever Bird – Allan Sealy
Current Mood:- Swerving between contemplative and content – haven’t felt this good about myself in ages and I’m finding it bloody odd!
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Mood Therapy Anyone?
Who needs a loony-bin or a fancy spa-resort to fix those grey moods when Bombay is just around the corner to breathe life back into me, to slay my demons and to revitalise me sending me back with a calmer, more peaceful mind? For four days, I lived in an idyllic world, where all I did was eat, drink, swing, watch television/movies, talk and laze around. Friends had been saying I need to take a break and get away from town (preferably to the city that breathes life into me) so when my usual flying visit to Bombay got extended thanks to the rains bringing the magnificient city "to a standstill" (ahem!) you can imagine the miracles it worked on me!
Activities:- As I said, I unwound totally - swinging gently, watching the world race past through a window overlooking my favourite park in the city or watching television. I discovered Sex and the City (yes, yes I'm slow in discovering such things - what to do I'm pop-culture deprived these days!) and had a whale of a time chuckling over the antics of Carey and co. I got totally mind-f***ed watching Closer on a rainy, romantic morning, when I should have been watching much cuddled in someone's loving arms (yes yes we don't need to remind that those loving arms still haven't made an appearance - gah!)! I rolled my eyes at the media reports of "baarish ki dehshat" that had the "yatayat thap" - pray tell me is it just the goverment and the civic bodies thata re to be blamed for the mess in that city? When are we as citizens going to take some responsibility? I "braved" the rains and let the "man" have his way (Muhaha), attempting to get to Bandra, when Juhu was water-logged only to turn around and come back to my "ilaaka" and head to good ol' Fame Adlabs for an incredibly ridiculous Superman Returns (please don't expect a review beyond this - "rolling my eyes"). I've had some amazingly delicious food - O Calcutta, Café Basilico, Pizza Casa, Café Biona and some very basic food - Swadesh, Appointment(!!) and Guju-ghar-ka-khana. I allowed myself to get buzzed by drinking wine too fast on a nearly empty stomach and I rejected Vodka - it simply doesn't excite my tongue enough to bother with it. I'll stick with my wine, cognac and smooth, hot-n-sexy liqueurs please! I've been made to walk, seriously walk in my completely-inadequate-for-walking sandals just because that's what we do when we are together (reference to bosom pal M). I've talked and talked till my vocal chords ached - I've giggled and chuckled and laughed over men, love and life...I realised that I've finally put my biggest mistake behind me. That chapter is closed. Finally. I finally gave into my urge to shop and indulge in retail therapy when I walked into Landmark, the awesome bookstore I've heard so much about, and bought books and music after many months. I followed that up, by picking up a sexy pair of trousers and a tee, when I was out helping a friend shop! Hehe!I got my hair chopped off - yes quite drastic this time. Actually short - shorter than it has ever been!!! I exchanged a crazy number of text messages and talked for quite a long time with friends back in the hamlet, all the time agonising over how my carefully maintained balance has been getting screwed with since last month - oh to hell with it, it's worth it!
Humans encountered:- Aristera, my graceful host who can get grumpy and chauvinistic at times and must be pampered but is on the whole one charming, adorable, huggable darling! A, my friend all set to fly off to the land of golden opportunities to pursue those dreams of hers - who I will miss more than I care to admit, even though I've tried hard to teach myself to live without her there everytime I turned around. M, who I have learnt to live without, as long as there are emails and telephones to pull into immediate use when that crazy voice is needed to inject hope back into my system - she still hasn't changed a bit! Extempore, the only friend outside the inner circle I deigned to meet (Muhaha!) - it felt good to indulge in some intellectual (ahem) conversation with her over Vodka, liqueur, pizza and Sex and the City! Got introduced to V, about whom I've heard plenty - now that I know that there is one nice person in that gang, I'm waiting to meet the others! (Hint hint)
....and then I sped back once again to reality, over an expressway that couldn't get more sublimely sexy. If I ached for some romance when I was swinging and looking out at the rain-drenched city, my yearnings for it were ten-fold as I gazed out of my window at the lush-green hills and the silvery cascades gushing down the hillsides as the bus cut through a fine misty fog that gently covered the ghats. Reality met me in the face of a pick-up from the bus-stop by AR(yes I'm very pampered these days - sue me for it!), followed by a quick-stop at work, non-stop class for 5 hours and a surprise birthday party for a senior colleague (professor) at AFP who turned 60 yesterday - my first work-party and was it the greatest fun! ;-) Good company coupled with wine, vodka, food and conversation! This morning brought with it work and freaking real issues to be faced and dealt with once again! Phew - oh well, the break has me energised enough to tackle life anew!
Current Book:- The Girl From The Chartreuse - Pierre Péju
Current Music:- Girls Just Wanna Have Fun - Cyndi Lauper, I'll be There for You - The Rembrandts, Ain't No Mountain High Enough - Marvin Gaye, Footloose - Kenny Loggins(thanks AR for burning that last CD for me)
Current Mood:- Wickedly Morose and Indifferent.
Activities:- As I said, I unwound totally - swinging gently, watching the world race past through a window overlooking my favourite park in the city or watching television. I discovered Sex and the City (yes, yes I'm slow in discovering such things - what to do I'm pop-culture deprived these days!) and had a whale of a time chuckling over the antics of Carey and co. I got totally mind-f***ed watching Closer on a rainy, romantic morning, when I should have been watching much cuddled in someone's loving arms (yes yes we don't need to remind that those loving arms still haven't made an appearance - gah!)! I rolled my eyes at the media reports of "baarish ki dehshat" that had the "yatayat thap" - pray tell me is it just the goverment and the civic bodies thata re to be blamed for the mess in that city? When are we as citizens going to take some responsibility? I "braved" the rains and let the "man" have his way (Muhaha), attempting to get to Bandra, when Juhu was water-logged only to turn around and come back to my "ilaaka" and head to good ol' Fame Adlabs for an incredibly ridiculous Superman Returns (please don't expect a review beyond this - "rolling my eyes"). I've had some amazingly delicious food - O Calcutta, Café Basilico, Pizza Casa, Café Biona and some very basic food - Swadesh, Appointment(!!) and Guju-ghar-ka-khana. I allowed myself to get buzzed by drinking wine too fast on a nearly empty stomach and I rejected Vodka - it simply doesn't excite my tongue enough to bother with it. I'll stick with my wine, cognac and smooth, hot-n-sexy liqueurs please! I've been made to walk, seriously walk in my completely-inadequate-for-walking sandals just because that's what we do when we are together (reference to bosom pal M). I've talked and talked till my vocal chords ached - I've giggled and chuckled and laughed over men, love and life...I realised that I've finally put my biggest mistake behind me. That chapter is closed. Finally. I finally gave into my urge to shop and indulge in retail therapy when I walked into Landmark, the awesome bookstore I've heard so much about, and bought books and music after many months. I followed that up, by picking up a sexy pair of trousers and a tee, when I was out helping a friend shop! Hehe!I got my hair chopped off - yes quite drastic this time. Actually short - shorter than it has ever been!!! I exchanged a crazy number of text messages and talked for quite a long time with friends back in the hamlet, all the time agonising over how my carefully maintained balance has been getting screwed with since last month - oh to hell with it, it's worth it!
Humans encountered:- Aristera, my graceful host who can get grumpy and chauvinistic at times and must be pampered but is on the whole one charming, adorable, huggable darling! A, my friend all set to fly off to the land of golden opportunities to pursue those dreams of hers - who I will miss more than I care to admit, even though I've tried hard to teach myself to live without her there everytime I turned around. M, who I have learnt to live without, as long as there are emails and telephones to pull into immediate use when that crazy voice is needed to inject hope back into my system - she still hasn't changed a bit! Extempore, the only friend outside the inner circle I deigned to meet (Muhaha!) - it felt good to indulge in some intellectual (ahem) conversation with her over Vodka, liqueur, pizza and Sex and the City! Got introduced to V, about whom I've heard plenty - now that I know that there is one nice person in that gang, I'm waiting to meet the others! (Hint hint)
....and then I sped back once again to reality, over an expressway that couldn't get more sublimely sexy. If I ached for some romance when I was swinging and looking out at the rain-drenched city, my yearnings for it were ten-fold as I gazed out of my window at the lush-green hills and the silvery cascades gushing down the hillsides as the bus cut through a fine misty fog that gently covered the ghats. Reality met me in the face of a pick-up from the bus-stop by AR(yes I'm very pampered these days - sue me for it!), followed by a quick-stop at work, non-stop class for 5 hours and a surprise birthday party for a senior colleague (professor) at AFP who turned 60 yesterday - my first work-party and was it the greatest fun! ;-) Good company coupled with wine, vodka, food and conversation! This morning brought with it work and freaking real issues to be faced and dealt with once again! Phew - oh well, the break has me energised enough to tackle life anew!
Current Book:- The Girl From The Chartreuse - Pierre Péju
Current Music:- Girls Just Wanna Have Fun - Cyndi Lauper, I'll be There for You - The Rembrandts, Ain't No Mountain High Enough - Marvin Gaye, Footloose - Kenny Loggins(thanks AR for burning that last CD for me)
Current Mood:- Wickedly Morose and Indifferent.
Monday, July 03, 2006
Home
Misty roads led to the place where the heart is happiest - they said I'd take forever. I was home within three hours.
It's the sexiest weather. The skies are gloriously overcast. It's raining - pouring infact. From my vantage point in the swinging basket all I can see are trees beding under the onslaught of the showers. It's divine really. Sublime.
Last night was a fun-fun-fun night after oh-so-long. There was wine, cuisine par excellence at Cafe Basilico, good conversation (even girl-talk and guy-talk!) and friends. Happy - that's what I was last night. Just happy. The wine, I think, helped, but in general there was happiness in the air. Home in the rains, with my closest friends for company - little more could I ask for. Kept questioning it - it's been so long since I felt this carefree and happy. Happy. Yes I know I keep saying it...sssshhhh!
Strangely enough the overcast skies seem to have cast a shadow on my mood this morning...it's true I think, question happiness and you aren't happy any more!
On a happier note, though, am here for atleast two more days. Two crazy, fun-filled days I hope - am sure the mood will improve...and the downpour just got crazier!
It's the sexiest weather. The skies are gloriously overcast. It's raining - pouring infact. From my vantage point in the swinging basket all I can see are trees beding under the onslaught of the showers. It's divine really. Sublime.
Last night was a fun-fun-fun night after oh-so-long. There was wine, cuisine par excellence at Cafe Basilico, good conversation (even girl-talk and guy-talk!) and friends. Happy - that's what I was last night. Just happy. The wine, I think, helped, but in general there was happiness in the air. Home in the rains, with my closest friends for company - little more could I ask for. Kept questioning it - it's been so long since I felt this carefree and happy. Happy. Yes I know I keep saying it...sssshhhh!
Strangely enough the overcast skies seem to have cast a shadow on my mood this morning...it's true I think, question happiness and you aren't happy any more!
On a happier note, though, am here for atleast two more days. Two crazy, fun-filled days I hope - am sure the mood will improve...and the downpour just got crazier!
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