From the Dairy of a Public Transport Commuter

I have always commuted primarily by public transport, wherever I’ve lived – be it Bombay, Magdeburg, Pune, Montpellier or Grenoble, I’ve mostly relied on the public transport system to get me from Point A to point B. I have been taking buses, trams, metros and local trains ever since I left school and completely believe in the importance of public transport. Every morning, since the past two months I walk down to the bus stop and wait for bus number 26 to roll down the road and transport me to the University. In the evening I repeat the process in the opposite direction. It’s convenient. It’s comfortable. The drivers are courteous and now that they’ve started recognising me, a smile accompanies the perfunctory “Bonjour” when I enter the bus. My only grouse is the fact that there are no buses on the road after 21:00 which means that stepping out during the week and going to the centre-ville in the evening is more than a little difficult, especially if you don’t live near the tram lines.

Each and every time I enter a bus here, I’m impressed. The punctuality and regularity of public transport has ceased to impress me…after the first month in Germany I had started taking it for granted. What impresses me is the smoothness with which the bus drivers slide into the exact position in front of the bus stop, aligning the bus so perfectly with the pavement. Of course there is also the fact that proper pavements and bus stops exist in the first place is also important. Day after day I take delight in watching the drivers casually steer the bus into position so that we can just step straight into the bus, which but of course is at the same level as the pavement! But I’m even more impressed at the obvious thought that has gone into the design and engineering of the buses, that has made it an easy mode of transport for the handicapped. A platform slides out from the central door to form a ramp from the pavement into the bus so that people bound to the wheelchair can enter the bus easily and there are specially marked open spaces in the bus for them, with an easily accessible button to get the driver’s attention when the person wants to get off the bus.

Coming from a country where public transport so desperately needs to be developed, not only from the point of view of it being the most sensible and cost effective way of commuting to and from work but also from the point of view of reducing the pollution, I am forced to bemoan our sorry public transport system. The huge environmental benefits do not need to be underlined. Neither does the fact that it will reduce number of vehicles on the road (notice I don’t just say cars, but vehicles since there are enough 2 wheeled menaces darting around our roads), and solve the problem of congested roads, traffic jams and unbelievably long hours of daily commute. As for the handicapped, what use is it allowing them to enter the bus from the exit and marking special seats for them, when the buses are designed in a way that they can’t possibly enter them? How is a person bound to a wheelchair supposed to get into a bus when sometimes even I with my two sets of able limbs find it difficult to climb into the bus? I wonder if we’ll ever get to the stage of boasting of reliable and efficient public transport system in India.

Tom Dooley - Kingston Trio

A folk song from North Carolina, based on on the murder of a woman named Laura Foster in 1866, Tom Dooley rendered by the Kingston Trio has long been one of my favourite tracks from the Yesteryears. It's one of those tracks that haunts you - literally. Once I start humming the song, I usually can't get it out of my head for the entire day, sometimes days at ends, much like another favourite, I like Chopin by Gazebo...the only difference being the sightly sinister quality of this song, which once even inspired me to write a story (the only one of all the stories I've written that I deem worthy of being read today!)...

Hang down your head, Tom Dooley
Hang down your head and cry
Hang down your head, Tom Dooley
Poor boy, you’re bound to die

I met her
on the mountain, there I took her life
Met her on the mountain, stabbed her
with my knife

Hang down your head, Tom Dooley
Hang down your head
and cry (ah-uh-eye)
Hang down your head, Tom Dooley
Poor boy, you’re bound to die

This time tomorrow,
reckon where I’ll be
Hadn’t-a been for Grayson,
I’d-a been in Tennessee (well now, boy)

Hang down
(your head) your head (Dooley) and cry
Hang down your head and cry (ah poor
boy, ah well-ah)
Hang down (your head) your head (Dooley) and cry
Poor boy, you’re bound to die (ah well now boy)

Hang down (your head) your
head (Dooley) and cry
Hang down your head and cry (ah poor boy, ah well-ah)
Hang down (your head) your head (Dooley) and cry
Poor boy, you’re bound to die

This time tomorrow,
reckon where I’ll be
Down in some lonesome valley
hangin’ from a white oak tree

Hang down your head,
Tom Dooley
Hang down your head and cry (ah-uh-eye)
Hang down your head,
Tom Dooley
Poor boy, you’re bound to die (ah well now boy)

Hang down
your head, Tom Dooley
Hang down your head and cry (poor boy ah well uh)
Hang down your head, Tom Dooley
Poor boy, you’re bound to die
Poor boy, you’re bound to die
Poor boy, you’re bound to die
Poor boy, you’re bound to .......die

Let's Network

It's all about networking these days, about the people you know and the people they know, so on and so forth. And about keeping tabs on those hundreds of people, saying the right things to them, scratching their egos in the right place and playing Mr/Miss Popular/Cool to the hilt. You find better opportunities, professional and personal, by networking. So if you do not know how to network, than I'm sorry that is the door for the socially handicapped.

I first joined a social networking site way back in 2003 at the insistence of a friend who thought it might help me meet like-minded people. With my acute levels of social handicap, I was out of there before the site even registered they had a new member. Several years down the line, that networking site was bought over by Google and suddenly became the place to be amongst the "with-it" crowd. You guessed it right. Orkut. So grudgingly I went back - after all so many of my "friends" were already there, as were several new "contacts" and this was an easy way to "connect." My second tryst lasted approximately a year, in which I found myself getting increasingly disgusted by the superficiality of relationships. Facebook had just about started making its appearance and was rapidly creating one of those cool quotient barriers between Orkut members and Facebook members. Not wanting to be discriminated I judiciously maintained accounts in both places, despite not wanting to be in contact with most of the people on my "friend" list. One thought kept echoing in my head constantly - if I really wanted to be in touch with these people, I would have found a way to stay in touch with them. Do I really need these people and do I really have to exchange trivial nonsense with them? I grew even more distressed when close friends started choosing to "scrap" me in such a public domain instead of writing emails or calling and was downright alarmed when I discovered that I was being stalked through Orkut.

Exit social networking sites. I cursed myself for trying to fit into a niche obviously not carved for me - who was I kidding? I wasn't made for these kind of social skills. I was better off in my little puddle, to borrow a term from a new friend. And happy I stayed, content in the reality and the depth of the friendships I had in the real world. I couldn't boast of having 250 contacts in my friend list, 50 of which claimed I was their best friend and said that my entrance would make any room crackle with electricity. But I could boast of having a handful of close friends who accepted me as I was even if my entrance cast a huge shadow on the room.

I returned to the world of social networking sites around 6 months ago, once again on the insistence of a very close friend. This time around I'm very cautious in accepting people and frequently clean up my contacts list by deleting people who are mere decoration on that list. I'm obssessed with cleanliness and organisation in any case, so why not exercise that mania in my contacts list as well? I must admit though, my social skills seem to have improved and I would even dare to call myself vaguely cool this time around! Admittedly most of the contacts on the list are students who have chosen this medium to stay in touch with me and most of the activity on my Facebook wall stems from my students, some of whom have even crossed over that frontier to be categorised as friends. Have I really rekindled the fire in long forgotten friendships? Not really. It's amusing to touch base with someone after ten years and update myself on their current status. But frankly it's at such an impersonal level I usually tend to forget the details even before I've finished reading them. But I must not be completely harsh. Facebook has helped me re-establish links that I once let go - of course I built on those links outside Facebook, so I am not ready to give the entire credit to Facebook.

I spend at least a couple of hours on Facebook these days, doing what I abhorred. Networking. It's a wonderful place to get information from people who are in the right place at the right time. It's a wonderful place to get your ego stroked (at least for me!). It's a wonderful place to spy on people. Spy on them...yes. Though not as open as Orkut, Facebook is still a largely public domain and it sometimes appalls me when people put up such personal details and intimate photos on their Facebook accounts. Trawling through albums of completely random contacts, I found myself almost scandalised at times to suddenly find myself confronted with images of a couple in a passionate lip-lock or a someone posing suggestively for their lover in provocative lingerie. Scandalised, disconcerted and distressed. Distressed because I don't want to be privy to your private life and don't want you to force your intimate moments into my face. Distressed also because I wondered if I'm regressing by this completely unproductive activity...and I felt the bile rising in my throat.

Since the last few days I've pulled myself back and regained the perspective I'd lost after coming to France and finding myself suddenly thrown into this social void where I spend hours (and sometimes days) with only myself for company and started seeking diversion on Facebook. It isn't the evil I'm tempted to paint it as, but it isn't a life sustaining force either. It can not substiute real conversations, real relationships and real people. It is a social networking site. A place to be seen and heard so that people do not forget my existence. A place to network. That's all. Let me not forget that.

Spring is here

The day my passport got stamped with my latest visa, I was expecting a Schengen visa and had several plans to cross over the Franco-Italian, Franco-Swiss and Franco-German (but of course) borders and travel in Europe like I've done on the previous occassions. So when I got a visa only for France, I must admit I was hugely disappointed.

Landing in France to a bitterly cold, grey and wet Paris I wasn't too delighted and my first few weeks in Grenoble didn't stir my soul much, except when I was confronted by the sight of the majestic snow-capped Alps in front of me. The last few weeks have changed all of that - my (almost painfully) short trip to Bordeaux, much akin to my first trip in December 2003 was full of delightful discoveries, both gastronomic and cultural and heart-warming, intelligent conversations. I had left behind a cold and windy Grenoble where they skies were still prominently grey and the nasty wind pushed me to walk fast even when I was tired and wanted to drag my feet back home. Bordeaux was delightful with clear blue skies, streets bustling with activity and cafés and bars overflowing with people having animated discussions, smiling, frowning, waving their cigarettes about, wholesomely alive! There was already a hint of spring in the air and I fell in love all over again with the city.

I came back to a city which was still bitterly cold, but over the past week it has gotten progressively warmer...from last monday, when one of my professor's asked if we've noticed the first primevères, to this saturday when every green patch in the city had primevères pushing their way stubbornly through the earth to announce the arrival of spring. I stepped out on saturday seeking information and had intended to be back in my room within a couple of hours - I ended up staying out the entire afternoon for it was a lovely spring afternoon. A sunny day with a clear blue sky and not a cloud to mar its glorious beauty, a cool breeze blowing in from the Alps which are still capped with snow - it was the perfect day for a picnic and I could see that most people were of the same opinion. For the first time since I got here, I saw all the squares in the city were crowded, the cafés and bars overflowing, the air buzzing with animated conversation, the city alive with activity. I decided to leave my usual labyrinth of streets in the centre-ville and set off to explore a slightly different part of the old city and found myself climbing the Bastille to get a better view of the city stretched out below me and later stumbled on to charming squares previously unvisited...and I fell in love with the city. I returned home several lovely hours later, my feet tired from walking almost 4 hours, but my soul and my senses satisfied from all they had experienced and I must admit, I felt the slightest pinch of sadness that I didn't have anybody with whom I could share this perfect day.

Spring is here - and with it, the time for beautiful days which make beautiful memories. Amen.

Searching for a Meaningful Subject

For someone who can talk almost incessantly and suffers from a perennial verbal diarrhoea of sorts, it troubles me greatly when people constantly seek to have "meaningful" conversations. It is true that we communicate with greater ease in the modern world, thanks to modern technology which has rendered the task so much simpler and perhaps lent to the superficiality of most communication today and I am quite opposed to the idea of conversing for the sake of conversing, i.e talking to fill the silence, the void as it were. I would rather endure a (heavy) silence than endure an inane and superficial conversation and am quite a failure when it comes to making small talk. Yet, when someone pushes me to have an "intelligent" conversation and insists on always having a meaningful issue to discuss, especially in an informal relationship where the contact has moved beyond the more obvious symbiotic nature of all relationships, I find myself balking and withdrawing. I believe in sharing my experiences, however little and inconsequential they may be. I believe in sharing the small thoughts and emotions. I believe that is what builds a friendship and is the basis of most enduring relationships. Debates and profound discussions have their own place. And the everyday banality has its own. Must we really negate one for the other?

Painfully and Irrevocably (?) Stereotyped...

Having a strong dislike towards even the faintest pigeon-holing of people and their personality traits, I’d like to believe I am above stereotypes. But the unfortunate truth is that I am not and that I indulge often enough in stereotyping people, conveniently placing them in neat little categories. It is easier isn’t it, to refer to people by the label you have stuck on their forehead and not make an effort to understand them individually and get to the core of what makes them tick? But the easiest ways are not always the best ways of doing things and I must also admit that there have been several opportunities when I have been ashamed and regretted having judged someone on the basis of stereotypes. I followed the guidelines set by society, but I wonder how those guidelines come into existence in the first place?

On an anecdotal tangent, a few weeks ago I was in centre-ville and meandering through the streets as is my wont. Despite the fact that Grenoble is a more polluted city than other European cities where I have previously stayed, the air is still much more fresh and pure than the one I’m accustomed to breathing. Combined with the brisk chill, my nose is often quivering in excitement like a mouse in the presence of cheese and I pick up almost every odour I encounter, much alike the main character in Perfume (or so I like to imagine and I’m providing extremely redundant and pointless details here)…

…so there I was walking along this deserted street and heard someone walking up behind me. My nose picked up the faint smell of alcohol and tobacco mixed with a certain element of stagnation, perspiration and a certain rough dusty quality which I would associate with someone who does a lot of physical work. My mind prepared itself to see a black person walk past me and indeed it was a tall, bulky black man in a heavy overcoat which looked like it hadn’t been washed in several years. A little later I walked past a cinema hall and two minutes later a man ran out of the door I’d passed. As he approached me from behind, I was assailed by the strong and distinct smell of expensive male cologne and I imagined a white man, tall and lean, probably wearing a smart shirt and well-fitting jeans. I was not disappointed. He was blond as well and really fit perfectly into the little box in which I had placed him.

Finally, standing at the bus stop I watched as an Indian man crossed the street – as he came closer my nose quivered in irritation at the strong smell of coconut oil and annoyingly enough the smell of garam masala…(don’t get me wrong – I love the smell of garam masala, but in my food, not on people!) and I found myself thinking that he could not have underlined his national identity any stronger and that he was one of those “typical desis” you encounter abroad! And it suddenly hit me – had I just walked out of the kitchen I might have smelt very similar, ergo like a “typical desi.” What was I doing looking down my haughty and apparently more sophisticated nose at just another being, as much my equal as anybody else?

Throughout the day I had classified people correctly but rather arbitrarily on the basis of what my olfactory senses picked up and believe me, I may have a cute nose, but I really don’t have “the” nose…and I had unwittingly placed the white man on the highest rung. Why? The dusty, tobacco and alcohol smell could just as well have come from a white man as the irresistible and sexy cologne could have come from a black man and I have encountered enough of both to have known better than to stereotype. The co-incidence that my stereotyped imagination proved to be right was just that – a co-incidence, and I knew that. Imagine then the extent of the social conditioning that made me indulge in such stereotypes despite knowing and recognising them as faulty classifications of people. If this is how I function despite my apparent resistance to stereotypes, how then do people who do not resist them behave? It makes me shudder indeed to think of it…

Currently listening to Kandisa by Indian Ocean, feeling very pleasantly mellow and content after eating an entire bar of chocolate and dreaming with anticipation about my upcoming trip to Bordeaux, instead of concentrating at the task in hand. :-)

Dawning Realisations (Ahem?)

After a very productive day, spent reading, completing class assignments, and updating my budget excel sheet (it helps keep track of money – don’t look at me like that!) and diary, I decided to step out for a short walk to get some fresh air and encourage the blood to circulate with a little more energy in my legs ;-)

When I stepped out, it was still light and by the time I returned to the Résidence it was already getting dark and the lights had started coming on…and that’s when it struck me. I’ve been here for nearly three weeks now and I haven’t seen a single sunrise or sunset. I was initially rather disconcerting with this sudden realisation of mine, till it dawned on my rather dim mind that the overcast weather probably plays a role in my having missed the sunsets – I must admit I haven’t been active enough to seek a sunrise since I’m either still burrowed under my blanket or running around getting ready for class at sunrise, instead of sitting with a mug of steaming coffee in my hand, awaiting the sight of the sun’s magnificent ascent. I hope I get to see the sunrise or sunset before I leave – with these mountains all around me, it must be a sight to behold...

Europe. Before Sunrise. Paris. Before Sunset.

That is my definition of the most perfect romantic escapade. They are also titles of two of my favourite films. I have seen them so many times and each time I see them I fall in love all over again with Ethan Hawke and Europe. Every time I see the film a different section appeals and lingers in my mind. I do not know what there is about these films, but they have stayed with me all these years. I’ve seen them both once already since I’ve come here and have a feeling I’ll be seeing them again before these four months are over…damn, but if only they didn’t make me yearn for my own dawns and twilights! :-)

The Icarus in Me?

Icarus didn’t pay heed to his father and flew too close to the sun, on his way out of the seemingly inescapable labyrinth. He burnt himself and fell.

The Icarus myth, is a myth well known to me, yet I did the same thing. In my desperation to flee the endless labyrinth of despair, I didn’t pay heed to my parents’ voices whispering words of caution in my ears and flew too close to the sun and burnt myself. Badly. And I fell as well. Badly. Once again. I want to blame the exhilaration the wings gave me. I want to blame the wings. I want to blame the sun most of all. But it’s really me who was at fault. I should have known better. I shouldn’t have closed my eyes and trusted the flight so blindly. It isn’t going to be easy getting back on my feet and putting myself together with fingers that still sting, but I’ll be damned if I don’t get there.
Wiser this time.

Amen.

A Personal Touch

I sit and stare at my room – it’s a really nice room and in comparison to that tiny, unremarkable room I had in 2007 in Montpellier, this is almost a three star hotel room. It’s spacious enough for me, pleasant and has the most splendid view. A fortnight in the room and it’s already marked with signs of my personality. I don’t really have anything with which I can decorate the room in my own way and have to make do with the bed linen and curtains provided by the Résidence, but the board has things tacked up and notes all over. The shelves have my books and jewellery and other knick-knacks and the room has that unmistakable aura of me stamped all over it. From the crowded wash basin counter with my skin care and dental paraphernelia to the organised disorder on the study table…the minute I enter the room I feel like I’ve returned home. Well home away from home, for the bag lying on the shelf above the door, the first thing I see every morning when I open my eyes is a constant reminder that this is only a very short stay. I wonder how people who are here for longer durations, who have already stayed here for over 6 months and intend to be here for at least another 2 years can continue to live out of their suitcases and not want to add that personal touch to their living quarters which can transform it from a room into a home, however transitory it may be…

Finally...

After the most pathetic and unbelievable day, I'm finally where I should have been on Thursday evening. With an assignment safely delivered (not on time, mind you) and a weekend to look forward to...there's only sunday now, but toasting my own reflection in the laptop with what has luckily turned out to be a caraf of incredibly good of Rosé (bought from the closest 8 à Huit, if you please) and some excellent fromage du chèvre and a delicious salade with some baguette, I'm finally at peace. Not having sent the work on time was just completely eating me up and making me shed the tears by gallons and reprimand myself for my weakness every other minute! There is nothing I hate more than not being able to look myself in my own eyes and know I've done right and know that there are people who are glad they can rely on me...and today I couldn't. All day. I hope such days are not many more to come...

Idle Thoughts in Grenoble...

Sitting here in my neat and tidy room staring out of the window at the snow-capped mountains in front of me, cradling my glass of tea in my hand (I haven't gotten around to getting myself a mug yet) and letting the steam rising from the glass warm my face, my mind drifts idly...

I should have posted earlier - I've been here nearly a fortnight now and I've had plenty of time and opportunities to write, but something held me back each time. A certain lack of motivation, if you please. Or perhaps, a certain inquietude and inner conflict vis-à-vis what I really wanted to say and what I can really say...

When I got my passport in 2003 and left home for the first time to spend three months in Germany, I had never imagined how much the unmeasurable wealth of experiences would change me, and how much personal growth there would be in such an incredibly short span of time...or even that it was just the beginning of what now seems like a long-term relationship with Europe. I returned in 2007. More growth happened. Changes that were not really subtle. 2009. I'm here for the longest stay yet, after two tumultous years from which I'm still recovering . I wonder what lies ahead...

Boarding Pass

A year ago was when I first seriously considered taking things further. I hesitated, nervous, wondering if it was the right thing to do at this point in life. I questioned my sanity. I tried reasoning with myself that doing this without the safety net would be quite a risk. And then I knew that if I didn't take the plunge, I'd regret it for the rest of my life. I should have known I'd do it.

The final decision to go back to studies and fund it myself, even if it is only for a short course was a relief, even if I'm now extremely nervous about the whole deal. Nervous enough to have bitten two of my nails into half! Now sitting just a day away from the first day at Centre Universitaire d'Études de Français, Université Stendhal, Grenoble the import of my decision finally stamped on to my conscious and unconscious mind, I can only hope that this will bring to me everything I expect.

A Cinematic Journey

2005. My first edition of Pune International Film Festival, introduced to me by a then new acquaintance. I went for the festival, only because the focus that year was on French films and it would be an excellent opportunity for me to improve on my Compréhension Orale. Geek. I know. I hadn't expected to emerge from that dizzying week of films, films and more films with an extremely dear friend who has been responsible in many ways for the person I am today and a mind that had grown so much within seven days that I am almost ashamed to admit how ignorant and foolish I was before... Ever since then, PIFF has represented two things : seven days of excellent cinema, mind-fucking, intellectual, or just plain silly and the birth of one of the most precious friendships I have forged.

From 2005 to 2009...it's been one helluva journey for my friend and me, for cinema and me. Our friendship has weathered the worst and survived. My taste in cinema is far more defined and informed (and I'd like to believe, more intelligent), though I continue to stay ignorant about the technicalities of film-making. This year, there isn't single chance of my friend making it for PIFF and even though I have a free pass (I get around you know) I haven't seen a single film yet. It is no big deal I know. Film festivals happen. Work happens. Life happens. You have to miss film festivals. But I feel as though I'm committing blasphemy. It's almost a sacrilege to be in Pune, hold a pass and not go watch some uber-mind-fucking excellent cinema.

I haven't made any resolutions this year - but here's one today. I will watch at least one film at PIFF before it ends...and I embark on the next journey. Amen.

Vinaigrette

Taking advantage of my break, I decided to indulge in some spring-cleaning and re-organising of my cupboards. My wardrobe was an easy task, since it rarely gets disorganised and a cleaning mission merely means putting the already neat stacks of clothes into neater stacks so they do not cross the invisible frontiers between them (I know I'm a freak, don't look at me like that!).

My study however is a different matter all together - it took me the better half of the day. A tiring task, but an extremely satisfying one, at the end of which I discovered treasures from my childhood. Stickers my father had brought back for me from Germany when I was ten years old - Papa would get back Staedtler colour pencils, felt-pens, stickers and other stationary for me on each of his trips to Europe. Back then, in the late 80s and early 90s such stuff was not easily available and I treasured each thing Papa brought back for me. The way I was brought up, the stuff was not given to me directly. They used to be kept in the cupboard in our living room which housed all the stationary used in the house. Whenever I wanted to use the stickers, I would ask Amma and she would open the cupboard, a treasure trove in my eyes, and let me choose. There were no restrictions, but I knew I couldn't waste them and I shouldn't go around randomly sticking them just anywhere I so pleased.

There are at least five complete sheets left and a couple more with a few stickers remaining. My bhabhi was shocked when I told her how long back Papa had bought them for me and even more when I calmly told her that I still have the Caran D'Ache felt-pens he got me from Switzerland when I was 14. Assuming I had kept them as a souvenir, as I have with several things Papa had gifted me over the years, she shrugged it off, only to stare at me with her jaws dropped when I pulled them out and proceeded to use them a little later in the evening. I wouldn't say I was a frugal and miserly child who did not use the stuff because of its "special" value. I used them - I've always enjoyed doing creative stuff so all the things I had were put to their maximum use, but I was also taught how to take care of my things and to use them in the right way so they lasted long and were not wasted. My parents firmly believed that creativity was tested not by using in carefree abundance the resources at hand, but by making the most of what one had and learning to recycle and produce something beautiful...something that has stayed with me till date.

This evening after giving some of those stickers to my nephew, I watched in horror as he immediately and carelessly stuck them on his cupboard. He is still very young and the notions of making things last and taking care of his belongings haven't really formed completely in his head, but I wondered if he will ever be taught to use things the way I was taught by my parents and the way most of my contemporaries were taught by theirs. I wondered if I'll be able to pass on the same habits to my nephews and (possible) children...and then wondered if the habits have the same value today, as they did in my childhood...

Musing over how times have changed, I wondered whether I envy my nephew his childhood...and close on the heels of the realisation that I do not envy him the least bit, came the realisation that slowly and steadily I am ageing. I'd like to think like good wine, but I sometimes wonder if it isn't more like sour vinegar!

The New Age Martyr - The Modern Mother!

It is quite a traumatising affair to hear an infant cry almost incessantly especially when you can’t fathom what is troubling the child so much and can do scant little to make him stop crying! It is little wonder that post-partum depression is so common in the West, where women have absolutely no relief from their baby’s wailing and the consequent stress.

Yet, I find myself rather uncompromising and unforgiving towards women who think their only duty lies in giving birth to the baby and they have little responsibility towards bringing up the child, leaving it to the grandparents to run after the child. Why should the grandparents be responsible for the child’s upbringing? Haven’t they already done their fair share of work when they brought up their own children? I am not saying that new mothers do not need or deserve help – they do. But "help" is different from handing the baby over to the mother or expecting the mother-in-law to run the house for you because you are now otherwise occupied! In an age, when we are so eager to claim credit for every thing we achieve and beat our chests in triumphant independance as soon as we can, is it fair to drag our parents back into the realm of family responsibilities just because we haven’t planned our lives properly and don’t want to compromise or sacrifice anything? It is hardly taboo any more to not have children at all or have just one child, then why must people produce children when they have neither the time nor inclination to look after them?

Perhaps I’m being unreasonable and harsh but I also fail to see light when women these days make it seem like the fact that they’ve given birth to a child and are making adjustments in their life, makes them worthy of an award. Our mothers have all done it, sometimes with far greater responsibilities to shoulder and much lesser help, facilities and knowledge at hand. I don’t see any of them queuing up for the Padma Vibhushan. There are few women these days who I can truly admire as mothers, where I see a certain balance and sense being applied to the whole process of pregnancy, post-natal adjustment and then bringing the child up (J and S being two of them)…and them I truly admire, because I also admit that bringing up a child is no easy task at all! Having said all of this, I must admit that I hope I never live to see the day where I am forced to eat these words and retract my statements.

Adieu 2008...

2008. I stepped into the year on the phone with one of my closest friends who I love immensely, hoping to spend the next new year's eve together. Typing this in the fading light of the year in my of my favourite places in the city, I smile at the irony of failed dreams. Far from spending the last day of the year together, my friend is sitting thousands of miles away and I can only hope we will be able to talk tonight!

It's been a strange year by all counts - a year in which I've known the purest of happiness, the incredible joy of complete harmony and perfection and the satisfaction of personal and professional fulfillment. But it's also been a year of the most bitter realisations, disappointments and dark despair. There were times when I did not think I'd come through, but I have and it's a strange kind of content that fills my hungry soul tonight. It's been a year that has tested my closest relationships and I feel fortunate to have emerged with those I love and cherish the most still by my side, closer than ever. I have drifted away from some but also found some new friends, each of whom I connect with at a different level...what will the new year bring I wonder?

On that rather uncertain and timorous note, I wish thee all a Happy New Year, hoping it ushers in times of much happiness for everyone!

Reflections...

I have never been as proud of my mother, as I have in the last three weeks. The pride and respect I have for Papa has never been a secret but my mother’s strength, endless perseverance and resilience despite the bypass surgery and her 62 years have left me rather amazed. I wonder if I’ll have the same will power and strength of character at her age. Seeing how she has taken into stride everything has made me admire her so much. I know some of my decisions have hurt her and that is probably why I try not to let her down on other fronts. All I’ve ever wanted is for my parents to be proud of me and for them to be able to say that their daughter is a person of character. I really hope that they will be able to say that some day. Amen...

Beaming with Contentment

Unbelievable moments of mad mischief, endless chatter, annoyed frustration and nail biting nervousness later, I've finally managed to reach the end of the session...

There were times when I wondered if I was doing anything right, especially with one rather errant group. I'm still not sure how those zozos will fare and if my track record will suffer immensely or stay intact, but I am sure that I couldn't have done too badly...and once again my complete faith in what I'm doing has been reconfirmed. The elated satisfaction and the contented pride I glean from students' performances match litte else...and I must admit there is no better self-validation I harbour so often and so hungrily at times, than the one I get from students' appreciations.

One of the two batches passing out from my "regime" gave me the hugest and cutest card today - one that has warmed every little corner of my heart and spread across the length and breadth of me, a smile that refuses to fade. A hand-made card, they've put in it every silly thing uttered by them, all their insane gaffes, all my eccentric utterances and expressions and even one sentence I uttered while unleashing my ire on one of them...of all the gestures made by my students over the last 3 years, this will go down as one of the most memorable and special ones.

Rambling Away...

Random thoughts at four in the morning, when I should have been working and trying to deliver an assignment on my own time, instead of pushing it aside to be completed on time begged and borrowed…

• It is an extremely humbling experience to know people and have friends who are so much more intelligent and accomplished than one self…
• I don’t really mind the work; just wish there weren’t deadlines to meet every week! I’d never thought I’d live to see the day I worked almost unceasingly relying on a meagre four to five hours of sleep daily!
• Drumming music into my system after years – aeons actually! I’m counting on Trilok Gurtu to get the adrenaline flowing so I can meet the deadline looming large over me!
• Inching closer and closer to realizing a dream and an experience that I’m awaiting with a curious mix of excited eagerness coupled with wary nervousness – it’s funny how the last few centimeters seem the longest and the most arduous!