Let's Go (I)

I saw the ALTO advert the other day, and within me stirred the desire (buried deep for the past few months) to travel - to take off to a new destination once again, to explore a new place, to just kick back my shoes and relax, let the wind play with my hair and let my hands hang lazily from the side of the bed as I trace crazy patterns on the floor beneath me...and I took a quick jog down nostalgia lane. Later I pulled out my old albums and the memories came flooding back in full force - I can't take leave and travel for quite a while, so I'm going to let my mind do the travelling - this time into the past...

Jaipur - Hot, hot, hot. A luxurious hotel room fit for a royal family - it was one of those palaces converted into a hotel. Papa was on a working holiday - he'd be in conferences most of the day and we'd idle around in the local markets picking up block-printed textiles, cozy razais, mojris, bangles and minakari jewellery. Have rather foggy memories of sight-seeing etc, but three memories are burnt in my mind - the elephant ride in one of those mahals, witnessing a real fight between a snake and a mongoose on the streets of Jaipur and the puppet-show every night in our hotel - I bought a puppet from there and had it for the longest time, till I finally decided to give it away to my maid's niece some four years back.

Kufri/Simla/Chandigarh - Perhaps the family vacation of which I have the fondest and strongest memories. Staying in that cozy log cabin in Kufri, mixing Milkmaid in yak milk to make it palatable, riding on a yak, clambering on hillsides and posing as a hilly-billy in those typical clothes and those fake flower baskets. Strolling through orchards in Simla and Chandigarh, driving down the winding hillsides - the wind still had a slight bite in it and I still needed a sweater in April. I wonder if it's still as idyllic...

Goa - The last real family vacation we took - when the sole purpose of the trip was to relax, roam around, enjoy the local cuisine et al. I'm not one of those who swears by Goa as a holiday destination, but I still remember enjoying this vacation with all it's bumpy rides on Goan roads and crossing the ferry - our car's silencer got busted on the first day and we went around Goa in a car which sounded like a freaking tractor! Picked up tons and tons of shells which broke and gradually disappeared over the years. Papa had resigned from MDS just after this trip and for the next decade or so, he hadn't taken a single vacation. His innumerable business trips across the country and in Europe don't count.

Bangalore - I've been to Bangalore many times, but my most memorable trip would be the one I made with Appu - we were still kids in the way kids were back then. We'd just finished our F.Y exams and had taken off to Bangalore on our own - stayed with my Bua and cousins. Still smile when I think of that evening on M.G road and Brigade road when we'd shopped till we dropped, drooled over the cadets and the Bangalore hotties, sat in Cafe Coffee Day sipping the best cold coffee we've ever had - they just didn't maintain their standards. Memories of the Mysore trip with its 'virginal' sandalwood and silk sarees can still leave me rolling with laughter...and ofcourse reminding Appu of how she gave me the fright of my life when she woke me up by talking (shouting) in her sleep and fighting with her kith-n-kin in her dreams. :-)

Goa (again) - Ironic that it features twice in this list of memorable vacations, despite not being my favourite holiday destination. This trip was made with Appu and was nothing like a typical Goan vacation. We were awaiting our TY results when we took off for Goa - once again stayed with family (this time her Bua) - Goa this time was long strolls on the beaches, exploring Goa on our own, meandering walks through the hills of Goa, late nghts, crazy conversations, scrumpilicious food, rain...and news of my results.

(...to be contd)

Freaks of the World - Don't Call Me at Freakish Hours!

Yes apparently these days evenings start at 2100 hrs and apparently people sleep at 0400 hours. Yes apparently the world is turning upside down - we humans are turning into nocturnal creatures that sleep when the sun is up and are up-n-about when the sun is hiding. But guess what? I've still not crossed over to that side - evenings for me still start at 1700 hours, 2100 hours is night-time and bed-time is 2300 hours. Believe it or not I do wake up between 0600 and 0700 on most days and by 0830-0900 on holidays. Believe it or not, I do believe in the adage "Early to bed and early to rise makes a man, healthy, wealthy and wise." Well actually I'm not so sure of wealthy and wise - but definitely healthy, at peace, organised and content with myself.

So when some random acquaintance (no not a friend, for my friends wouldn't call me at odd hours unless it was important or they needed me to be there for them, which I always am, so don't you dare freaking read anything into this darlings) calls me up at midnight, or sends me a text message at 0320 (and it's not even like these people live in a different time-zone) I want to reach into the phone and personally punch the living daylights out them. Really if you insist on leading a freakish owl's lifestyle, why the hell do you assume so does the rest of the world? Incase you didn't notice we aren't playing Simon says and you aren't Simon. Don't you pause to think that the person might be sleeping, that when the phone rings/beeps you might wake up the person and/or the person sleeping with him/her - and worse yet, make that person worry that something has gone wrong which is why the phone is ringing at such an unearthly hour and then successfully mess up that person's sleep for the rest of the night?

All this to merely say that you happened to be thinking about me after 3/4 months? Couldn't that wait till tomorrow morning?

Why are people becoming so increasingly insensitive about other's lifestyles and routines? The number of freaks calling me up at odd hours has increased so much (and yes it's not a big number since I am not a terribly phone friendly person and don't encourage Tom, Dick, Harry and their cousins to call me up for random conversation) that I've taken to keeping my phone on silent in the afternoons and post 2230 lest the damn ring/beep disturb me or worse Ma, with whom I now sleep. It means unfortunately that at times I miss important calls, but then like that matters to those idiots who were calling just to say "Hi" or sending me a text message which is actually an inane forward about how the birds were chirping when they thought of me...and to think I didn't call and wake up my friends even when I lost my father, because I didn't want to wreck their night as well!

Current Mood:- Impatient. Chatty. Excited (for no reason!). Wicked.
Current Music:- Petit Pain au Chocolat by Joe Dassin

Je suis contente - après très longtemps!

A busy week. A good week. Failed plans that failed to disappoint - I'm finally learning how to not let every small thing affect me. Shit, does that mean that the path to enlightenement has finally opened up? ;-) Spent hours and hours planning classes, creating exercises. Late nights. early mornings. Satisfaction seeping through my bones. Nervousness as well - they better do well, for it's going to reflect on me! Getting spoilt by chauffeur service on an almost daily basis to-n-from work - it's going to hurt when I'm back to being dependant on the bloody unreliable, uncomfortable, unhappening PMT buses! Flattering attention from unexpected quarters - am definitely enjoying it. It's been a long, long time since I felt good about myself - confident of myself. Someone up there is working hard to ensure my days brighten up!
Merci bon dieu - et merci Papa, je suis sûr que c'est vous qui a fait ça!

Current Music - It's a Sin - Petshop Boys.
Current Book - 10 Plays by Euripedes (I'm done with Casa Rossa - it was a fabulous read. Review going up soon!)
Current Mood - Freaking exhausted. My eyes are heavy with sleep, but I'm very content. Incredibly so.

Updates:- The review of Lady Oracle is up on Literary Mosaic. Also check out Shaurya's site - obviously made by his father!

Drifting Along...

I've been planning to post for several days now but considering this is the first time I've accessed my computer in days (having checked my email in a giffy from work, two days back!) it seems a little pointless to post about what I wanted to post about. So then, I'm itching to post but wondering what to post about, since nothing's happening. Ofcourse this blog isn't just about what happens to me , with me, for me, by me - but then to post about the other stuff I want to post about, I need to do a little research first. Well not exactly research but kind of put those thoughts in some semblance of an order! Whoa is this turning out to be a post about what to post? Heheh I like that now! Gosh have I got ideas for posts, but if only I'd log in daily like I used to...de toute manière here's what I intend to post in the next fortnight or so, starting today (and I will post them coz they are already works in progress in the form mental notes) :-

• On Reading Habits (torn between posting this on Geebaby or Literary Mosaic)
• A Prosaic Ode to my Pals (raving about them time and again isn't enough - I have to do this!)
• Why You Shouldn't Call Me Post 22.30
• Random Moments from Holidays
• Book reviews for Literary Mosaic - Lady Oracle (Margaret Atwood - she is a genius!), Casa Rossa (Francesco Marciano - racing through it these days)

Yep that's about it - let's not get too ambitious now, right?

Current Mood :- Talkative. Content with work. Groovy.
Current Music :- Stupid Girl - Pink

PS Did I nearly forget that the pre-monsoon showers have become almost like monsoon showers and that with the rains I've gone to being the light-hearted, crazy, romantic me? Strange considering I don't really like getting wet and hate the muck caused by the showers, but then who said I was not eccentric?

P.P.S Typo in link for Phoenic Mecano India website stands corrected here. Go check it out people!

Naskhutiya Saal?

I've officially declared this year Naskhutiya (Bambaiyya slang for unlucky) as far as personal lives are concerned - everywhere I look people are struggling with their personal lives, trying desperately to cross the innumerable hurdles that are cropping up around every corner. Professionally, things seem to be falling into place but it all seems inconsequential in light of the personal problems.

OK that's it the horoscope for 2006. That will be Rs.1000/- please!

No, seriously, it's strange...I've been observing the lives of my friends, acquaintances and colleagues and am increasingly horrified at how things are going wrong in everyone's personal lives. This monday I arrived at work to discover that a colleague (my age) lost her father and grandmother to heart-attack within a span of two hours. No previous history. No complaints in the recent past. Nothing at all to prepare the family for the brutal shock. She didn't know about Papa - neither did the other colleague who broke the news to me. It goes without saying that I was shaken terribly - took me a while to recompose myself. Visited her, ofcourse - couldn't bring myself to dole out the usual platitudes, because I know that those are just words. I hope she surfaces the tragedy stronger.

Continuing on the naskhutiya note - I had a small accident of sorts. We'd gone for dinner last Sunday - a lovely roof-top restaurant on M.G Road that took me back to my Udaipur trip with Kunu Baba, when we ate at all these delightful roof-top restaurants. On our way down, I slipped on a broken step - my first thought was of my back, which I've injured on previous occassions and due to which I suffer intermittently. So, I twisted and fell on my left arm. It swelled up within minutes and developed a rather ugly colour - was scared I'd factured it, but luckily it was only a bruise. A painful bruise that required a crepe bandage for several days, but just a bruise!
- Actually considering my tendency to fall and get into minor accidents of the sort, that can't be attributed to the naskhutiya quality of the year!

On a different note, it's been a busy week - busy, but good. The teaching can be frustrating at times, when faced with a unresponsive class that refuses to use of their limited grey cells, but on the whole challenging and thus exciting. I'm enjoying it more and more, despite having one semi-dead batch. Ironically, the weekend batch - the one with the professionals who might have had problems with a young professor - is proving to be a far more enthusiastic and fun group! Looking forward to another busy week - busier with rendezvous with friends and perhaps even a visit from a bumchum pal.

Current pick-me-up music for mornings - 80s music. It rocks any time, every time. Modern Talkies - Kylie Minogue - Madonna - Milli Vanilli - AHA - Baltimore Boys - Laura Branigan...

Current mood - Naughty, mischievous. Light. Carefree.

(PS Pune had it's first showers of the season this evening - it's lovely. A cool breeze is wafting through the windows, bringing with it the delightful perfume of the freshly wettened earth. The sultry summer evening has been transformed into a pleasant evening within a few instants.)

Public Secrets - II

Whenever I go over a speed-breaker, I go "Whoopie" no matter what the speed of the vehicle - 20 or 120. It's a habit that dates back to sitting on the back-seat of the school bus and going up in air every time we hit a speed breaker and it's stuck till date. Child-like, yes, but fun as well. It usually succeeds in breaking the frown on my face and turning it into a smile - and makes others smile as well.


Accomplishments of the weekend :- Got back to Lady Oracle and finished it in one afternoon's sitting! Me thinks me's getting back on the reading front - *crosses fingers tight*
Accomplishment of the day :- Actually sat and worked with a dictionary for nearly 2 hours! That's the nerdy me surfacing - nerdy and freaking serious about doing a good job of teaching french!

Current Music:- Who Says You Can't Go Home - Bon Jovi

Current Book:- Short Stories by Thomas Hardy (Don't ask why I'm reading this soporific author)

Website Update:- Phoenix Mecano India - Papa's dream stand tall even though he ain't here any more to see it. Bhaiyya's been working on the website for a while - it's finally up to be visited!

Tell Me Why...

Tell me why life is so damn complicated...
Tell me why the good days seem like a distant memory...
Tell me why despite knowing the power of the word, I keep saying the wrong thing all the time these days and hurting others...
Tell me why my best intentions to help are constantly being misunderstood these days...
Tell me why my efforts to joke either fall flat or end up being more mood-damaging than mood-lifting...
Tell me why my friends won't respond to the plea in my voice when I ask them when they will drag their asses to Pune...
Tell me why my friend no longer calls me a friend. For the first time in five years I didn't lift the phone to dial a number and sing out Happy Birthday in my discordant voice - can't believe that someone who I cherished as much as the closest of my friends chose to shut me out so abruptly. Can't believe I no longer have the right to think of the said person as a friend. Can't believe I was so wrong in my judgement...

Yaar aaj kal bure din chal rahe hain, as far as personal life is concerned...

Public Secrets - I

I talk in gibberish. Absolute gibberish...something to the tune of "higdi-pigdi, kemba la kemba?" and expect you to understand. I haven't received an apt reply as yet, though my 10 month old nephew usually thinks it's something profound and generally responds in a similar lingo. Similar but not the same! ;-)


Weekly update : One inauguration event. Traumatic yet fulfilling. Immensely proud of Papa - his dream stands tall and proud today. Hats off to you Papa - you rock. Totally. Got a new phone the same day - as payment for the two glass paintings.
Flap phone - NOKIA. As usual don't know the model number; who cares about it anyway? The damn phone works and the battery doesn't die within 10 seconds of talktime - that's all I'm interested in! LOL!
Working like crazy - Papa would be proud of me. Bloody hell am now going to be working 7 days a week!!! And oh yes, how could I forget? Finally teaching the regular courses (Forum 1A), something for which I've been patiently waiting and waging a silent, stubborn war, for quite some time now! Strangely there was no feeling of acomplishment or excitement on the first day - hmmmm....
Need to get my hair cut, it's a straggly mess. Need to get a facial - my face desperately needs pampering after all it suffers in Pune's hot polluted environment. Need to go shop for new clothes, specially denims - my old jeans have paint on them! Running short of time all the time - need to organise myself.
Dead. Tired. Weak. Coming down with a cold, throat is already f***ed, brain's shutting down bit by bit - and I think I'm taking two new courses from tomorrow! The week ahead looms large in front of me...

Current Music - Hips Don't Lie - Shakira
Current Book - French notes, Tandem 1, Alex et Zoe 1 - I need serious help in this department! ;-)

...

"...A lot of nice things turn bad out there,Oh baby, baby, it’s a wild world..."

Remember this particular song by Mr.Big? I've been humming it since a few days now. It's a little out of context this song, but I'm not humming it so much for what it says than to keep the thoughts at bay - thoughts that pull me down and make me want to give up. I want Papa so desperately - it's so unfair. Why did he have to leave us? I miss him so much these days - who ever said it's easier as the days go by didn't know what he was talking about. It just gets so much tougher. Been pushing myself to the limits, running myself tired just so I don't dwell on his absence. It doesn't work. A single moment alone, a single idle moment and the tears well up threatening to pour over irrespective of where I am or who I am with...

Tired.
Lonely. So lonely. Conversations don't help. Crowds I don't like.
Missing you...why won't you talk to me?

Dog-tired...

It was another busy week - the heat is sapping all my energy making it so much more difficult to deal with everything. It's also made my students restless and apathetic towards all activities except for "Pendu" a.k.a Hangman.

I'd planned a nice lazy weekend, but it was not to be. The first painting was appreciated alot - since it looked rather forlorn amidst all the plain windows, I was asked to make another one. Short notice this time, but it's ready to be sent to the factory tomorrow morning. I'm not as happy with this one - the heat made working without the fan unbearable, making me irritable and eager to finish the painting as soon as I could. Opted for an easier, simpler design this time, putting in just enough effort to ensure that it would be an appropriate companion for the first painting. Tons of other work also had to be done - a "fiche pédagogique" to be made as a last assignment for my "formation pédagogique" (teacher training), a report about the formation, papers to be assessed, test papers to be set, lessons to be planned for the upcoming week. It's the last week of the first part of the summer session - which means alot of activities need to be planned, to revise all that we've done so far and keep the interest alive so they want to continue into the second level. Gave Schnapps a bath. Spent two long hours with the plants again this morning - from 6 o'clock till breakfast time. Pulled out weeds, trimmed plants, added fertilisers, sprayed pesticides, re-arranged the pots, cleaned the balcony. It felt good to see the plants gently swaying in the early morning breeze, almost as if they were happy with the attention they were getting. On the other hand, my index finger of my left hand has been rendered useless after a thorn from the rose plant went through :-(

Have been listening to love songs all weekend, having stumbled upon a new channel on World Space, apart from my usual RFI and Spin (Top 40) - Amore plays only love songs 24/7. Heard so many of my old favourites after such a long time - the volume kept going up after every third song!

I have been mulling over the genre of children's literature for a while now - wanted to go into details, but till that happens, there's something to start off with on Literary Mosaic and France Say about fairy tales.

Current Song - Bed of Roses by Bon Jovi
Current Mood/Colour - Grey, a washed out dull grey.

The Week-end Ends...

It’s been a terribly busy week-end – it was supposed to be a long weekend, what with the Labour Day and/or Maharashtra Day falling on Monday. But I barely realized when it flew past me and here I am once again on the threshold of a new week.

I slaved over a gigantic stain glass painting throughout Sunday – 36 inches by 46 inches. It was something I promised my father for his office – am living upto the promise with the new MD’s encouragement. He wanted an abstract design as opposed to my usual floral designs. Not the easiest task at the outset, but as usual the process of creating something beautiful took me by storm and I was lost in the process within minutes of setting the outline tube to the glass. It’s come out magnificent – warm, glowing colours, a design that can be interpreted in light of the company’s growth/progress. Papa would have liked it. I wish he were here to give me that assuring smile of approval – have been missing him so much this last one week.

Oft in the past two months have people praised my apparently “exemplary” behaviour and my strength. I don’t know what exactly they meant by it, since I saw no other way to be than the way I have been…for that matter I don’t even know if they meant what they said, having heard a lot of empty promises in this duration. For the past one week the effort to be strong, to be calm and composed has been getting to me and draining me out much more than the physical effort going into any work. Have spent much time under the shower crying my heart out, but there seems to be no end to the tears. I would like nothing better than to just let go. I don’t want to think about other’s problems, I definitely don’t want to pamper anyone else – If only… but then if wishes were horses…

Spent quite some time in our mini-garden this morning – digging up the soil in the plants and putting in the fertilizers and manure. Got my finger-nails disgustingly dirty –though not more than I did yesterday. At least today I didn’t have to use turpentine to get my hands clean. ;-) Once the plants were satisfied with the attention, I moved into the kitchen – making it a practice to indulge in a weekly cleaning and cooking session. Once a week I dust and clean the house properly, working up a very good sweat…and then follow it up by several hours in the kitchen whipping up something I enjoy eating. Well, so do the others, or so I say ;-)

Ah well, the weekend’s nearly over and there’s still work to be done. Let’s hope I can actually rest next weekend…

Question of the day : they say love is blind – I don’t know about that, but pray tell me why love makes people blind to what others are going through?

Realisation of the year : Never put anyone on a pedestal – after having done this several times, I’ve realized that when the said person falls from grace, the fall doesn’t hurt the person as much as it does oneself.

Random Blogging

oniomania (O-nee-uh-MAY-nee-uh, -MAYN-yuh) noun

Compulsive shopping; excessive, uncontrollable desire to buy things.

[From Latin, from Greek xnios (for sale), from onos (price) + -mania.]
Oniomania is another word for the urge to shop till you drop, habit of the debit, thrill of the bill. According to a pearl of ancient wisdom, we don't acquire things, things acquire us. In the case of oniomaniacs, it is perhaps the fun of acquiring things that acquires them.

Imelda Marcos of the Philippines could be one prime example of this category, also known as shopaholics.

-Updates on my other blogs - Something I got tagged for by my dear friend Aristera & Keya on Literary Mosaic and a little something in French on FranceSay

The Week Gone By...

Two blissful rendezvous with two of my oldest and closest friends - alot of heart-to-heart with atleast one of them. We've been friends since school days - disliked each other for most of school, but now closest of friends. It's been over a decade - shit that makes me feel old! One of them is going away - flying away to greener pastures, so to speak, to pursue a Ph.D in cancer immunology. Fancy na? My friends seem to have this knack of picking up high flying, erudite courses! Intelligent lot they are. Eccentric too. Lovable as well. Adorable. Irreplacable.

Two birthdays. One day. The first was nice - cozy, warm, just as birthdays should be with close ones there to bring in your birthday and wish you the best for every single day of your life. Good food. Good conversation. The yummiest home-made chocolate cake. The second was confusing. Too much noise over nothing. Two many flaring tempers. Terrible food....but the yummiest chocolate cake in town! :-)

Two new batches at AFPune this session. Summer courses - still stuck with the kids course, but am enjoying it this time. A bright, enthusiastic bunch of students makes it worth commuting in the infernal Pune heat, not to mention teaching in those stuffy classrooms with non-existent ventilation making them more like furnaces than 'salles de classe'! Planning and preparing for class is also far more enjoyable, knowing that what I do will be received well and appreciated...

Two days alone. Everyone's in tinsel town - taking care of annoying paper-work and even more annoying bank work, while I stay back to baby-sit the house. Well, not exactly - I saw no reason to cancel class just to visit banks, even if they are in the city that breathes life into me! Going to spend my time reading, pampering myself, sleeping, watching a film or two perhaps...and yes, entertaining a friend and visiting cousins!

Current Music - Please don't go - No Mercy (Does anyone remember this one-hit band of three? I used to love this song way back in school!)

Current Mood - Strangely enough, not great despite the good week. Lonely. Terribly so. Not 'coz I'm alone - lonely from inside. The void just keeps growing. :-(

Maunvrat?

It's almost a maunvrat these days, save the few people without whom I wouldn't stay sane and to whom I pour my heart out regularly. Every now and then, I get tired of talking. Yes, me "the-talk-a-dozen-words-a-minute" Geetanjali finds the effort that goes into talking extremely cumbersome and tiring. For a long time I wondered if this is a direct consequence of that dreaded PMS, but then I realised that it doesn't always co-incide with "that time of the month" and so I've come to the grand conclusion that it's not so much due to the hormones as it as due to my incredible personality. So anyways, I don't talk, apart from what is necessary. Friends who come knocking in cyber space and/or telecommunication space for the most part end up being ignored. At times like this, I wonder even more than at other times, how people maintain such large and busy social lives - how they can keep jabbering on-and-on endlessly, meaninglessly without ever feeling the words they utter. I'm glad, then, that my circle of friends is restricted to a select few, with whom words are not really necessary in order for me to communicate what I'm feeling. The silence rejuvenates for I bounce back as talkative as before and genial once again. Not an extrovert - never that! - but genial, yes, definitely.

Seperating the Chaff from the Grain

I’ve lost friends who I included amongst my closest friends and been disillusioned and betrayed – and I’ve met a lot of new people, not all whom I could call friends. I seem like an open person and oft do I say that my life is one bloody open book, but the real me is hidden deep inside and there are very few who get to see it on a regular basis. What irks the most is when people who’ve known me for barely a few months insist that they know me inside out, based on what is almost always a wrong perception of me from the clues they have picked up from a very public part of my personality. I’ve learnt how to separate the chaff from the grain so to speak. The ‘grain’ has never before been as dear as it is now.

Current Mood - Tired. Very tired. Sad. Lonely.
Current Music - Lotus Feet by Shakti.

Changes...

Aristera Baba said he’s changed so much in the past couple of years – I agree, but then I think he’s changed so much since the time I first him! :-) His statement made me think about me and how much I’ve changed in the last few years. They say change is the only thing constant in life – and looking back over the last five years I couldn’t agree more. If someone were to ask me to recapitulate the last five years in a sentence (something very difficult for a person like me – you can ask Aris Baba and he’ll confirm how it’s almost impossible for me to stick to short-n-sweet in my descriptions of anything and anyone)…I’d say it’s been the most rocking phase in my life. Rocking, not in the happy, hep-n-happening sense of the term, but in the sense that my life has taken so many unexpected twists and turns and been rocked from it’s roots so many times, that no other word but ‘rocking’ could best describe it.

Taking the example of my internet habits, I’ve gone from being –

• Someone who’s life depended on her internet connection, having so many loved ones abroad, to someone who knows that the internet is but a medium to keep the illusion of the relationship alive.
• Someone who checked her emails twice, sometimes thrice a day to someone who checks her emails twice a week, if lucky, thrice!
• Someone who blogged daily, to someone who blogs once a week and thinks that’s regular!

Superficial yes, but there are so many small changes that have gone into making me who I am today – and the changes just continue to happen each day, whether in small or big ways. I wonder where I will be five years from today – and though I pray that I don’t have to see any more radical changes I know inside that so much more still lies around the corner.

Sigh – guess I should take those vitamins regularly if I must emerge the survivor eh?

Current song : Je survivrai (otherwise popular as ‘I will survive’)
Current read : Lady Oracle by Margaret Atwood
Current Colour: Blue, a deep, thick, dark blue.
Current Mood : Pensive

Boo - encore!

I'm petrified of vehicles with just two wheels - right from bicycles to motobikes. I never learnt to ride a bicycle; falling off one when I tried, and making my friends fall when I sat behind them...the first time a friend gave me a lift on his bike, I nearly screeched him into breaking in the middle of a busy street. He was going at the dangerous speed of 30! ;-) Now, several years later when I sit behind my Puneri friends who are mobile thanks to their scooters/Scootys/Activas/etc kindly offer to drop me off, I straddle their vehicle much like I would a horse - pressing the flanks of the vehicle/horse when I want it to slow down! Even otherwise I'm rarely relaxed, scared that the maniacs let loose on the streets of Pune will drive too close and take away with them my precious limbs! Plus there is that mess that I have to deal with post-bike ride...the tangled mess I would refer to as my hair pre-bike ride! ;-)

Boo!

I'm scared of Pressure Cookers. There it's out! I'm bloody scared of them - I think they are wierd temperamental things that erupt and let out a hot, frothing, scalding emission at who-so-ever dares to go against them. They are scary. Period...

And no, you're not allowed to consult Freud's manul and psycho-analyse me on this declaration of mine!

Current Mood : Strange.

Dhyan se, yeh tan to hai sirf bhojan kaowon ke liye

A nice weekend with a visit from a literary snob who talks more than me and brought along pretty glass bangles and two books on loan - lots and lots of talking all over town...browsing through Manney's on Moledina Road and itching to buy my nephew so many books - I stayed away from the Literature section lest more temptation struck! Plenty to accomplish on Sunday, my only free day in the week - it flew past way too quick! A busy week, observing more hours a day, getting more and more ideas about how to conduct class, waiting and hoping to be given a regular class in the next session....The fact that I've been busy has kept me away from the computer and the internet - well that, and the fact that a wierd apathy has crept into my bones as far as this one activity is concerned. I type emails and posts on Papa's laptop and never get around to emailing them. Logging in seems like a mammoth effort at the end of the day when all I want to do is hit the sack, before my sleep vanishes and I spend another sleepless night walking through the rooms staring at photgraphs, trying to keep memories at bay lest they bring along with them tears.

Went for Lal Ded, performed by Mita Vasisht at the Shantaram Pond, FTII with everyone including little Shaurya. The setting was sublime - one can't possibly go wrong with the impact with a backdrop as that of Shantaram pond. It's an absolute delight to the senses. The performance left me wanting - il y avait une manque quelque part. I went expecting to hear Lal Ded's poems or maybe about her philosophy - what I got was a presentation of her life as the mystic saint who has most influenced the people of Kashmir. I have the French translation of her verses. I think I'll dig it out of the carton of books and pore over them in detail now - one verse from the performance stuck in my mind:

"Dhyan se, yeh tan to hai sirf bhojan kaowon ke liye"
(Careful, this body is but food for the crows.)

Touched by the gestures of some friends, exasperated at others who I don't know whether to ignore or shake in frustration, itching to step into yet another friend's life and set everything right - my life seems to revolve around my friends. What would I do without them?

Many many thanks to all of you - I don't know how to lean on anybody and I reach out to very few in times of distress, but your presence whether by way of comments on my blog, emails, SMS, phone calls, snail mail or physically visiting me...all meant to so much to me. Merci beaucoup mes ami(e)s! :-)

Blah...blech

Strange how death can resolve old issues - strange how suddenly people wake up to their mistakes and want to make up after over a decade of being insulting and hurting us. Wish I could turn back the clock, I'd rather have my father back than patch up with these people...but then I must be sensible and wise and not go around burning bridges. Civil, understanding, mature. Fighting the system - why do they have to build obstacles and be so bloody insensitive and corrupt at such times? The emptiness is still there. It disturbs me at night, robs me of my sleep, makes me restless, pierces my heart suddenly and makes me wanna cry. Sometimes I do that...I cry and let it out...ask God why he had to play such cruel games with us. Slowly involving myself in the activies I'm accustomed to - inch by inch per day. Unpacking boxes packed for a move never meant to be, reading, borrowing books from friends, watching movies (Breakfast at Tiffany's borrow from a friend), writing, class...

Friends from whom I had such few expectations have come through - my guardian angels are ofcourse always there to hold me up when I didn't have the energy nor the will to do that by myself. Strange, how a person who meant the world to me till a month back is nowhere on the radar at such a time, and stranger yet, that it has ceased to matter, that after years of being hurt, this final betrayal doesn't matter at all. Well that's the only good thing that has come out of this...

La vie - c'est vraiment bizarre! C'est difficile, très difficile, mais on survivra!