Yes that's what I am feeling like these days...usually the gloomy days don't last this long, but this time they simply refuse to fade away into the hazy bank of forgetable memories. All the old feelings of self-reproach, doubt, confusion are back - and boy are they back with a vengeance. Problem with this mood is that I'm not exactly the happiest person around (now isn't that obvious my dear Geets?) and so I can't deal with happiness. I'd love to take that short-cut to temporary happiness by adopting the escapist method, but I figure it's about time I dealt with my demons and slayed them once and for all. (Don't you just see me leaping around in the air slashing my hands around à la Buffy?)
Sarcasm apart, I'm not happy. Yes I seem to be searching for answers, but none of them deal with any of the great philosophical truths of human existence. What I'm questioning is what I've wanted for so long, my choices, for I can't afford to take the wrong decision at this point in my life. It does make me a difficult person to deal with - my friends can vouch for that. I'm uncompromising, I'm nasty and yes, I'm even prone to strike out where it hurts the most without realising what I'm doing. It's why I'm keeping my distance - I just hope that they understand, for only one of them actually reads this blog and knows how to read between the lines...and I thought it would be easier this time, since I've been through this before. Yeah right baby, you've sure have high expectations from everyone, including yourself!
The last few weeks have been rougher than most - what with my plans to visit Bombay being thwarted thrice and me having to swallow my annoyance each time. End result is that I'm in a murderous rage and I want blood (that, incase you don't realise is a hyperbole. I'd actually be satisfied with a chance to vent several years of disappointment, anger and frustration verbally...maybe a slap or two would ease that anger faster, but I am a lady after all)! The arrival of my 18 year old nephew who is actually a nice, sweet, fun guy turned my routine upside down and left me even more irritable. The complete lack of time to myself, the forced entertainment sessions didn't exactly help.
Now that Christmas vacations are here and I have aboslutely no obligations (social or professional) I'm working towards resolving some of the issues turning my mind into a frothing cauldron of emotions and I do so hope that I can begin the new year with a calmer, more peaceful and content frame of mind. Highly doubt it, but well for now hope is all I have...that and the promise of visiting Bombay and spending quality time with my friends sometime in January...
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8 comments:
If I want I can emthasize/sympathize/share/listen.
But I shall do none of these.
I have been through what you are going through, and from the wisdom gained thus, I know that one day you shall turn back into the archives of time and smile at these days, knowing that you have lived and emerged a winner.
Then these posts will sound inconsequential, these troubles small, these battles meaningless, for you would be dealing with bigger troubles and fighting bigger battles.
Then you would think, those were nice days really, but alas I wasnt looking at the nice things. I was busy dealing with problems. And you would think, such simple problems I had back then.
For in life we dont move from sadness to happiness, from questions to answers, from problems to solutions.
We just move from a set of issues that sadden us to another set of new issues, from a set of old questions to new questions, from old problems to new problems.
So, what difference does it make if you dont find answers, because if you do you will ahve new questions. And why does it kill you that you have unsolved issues, becuase the moment you resolve them, you will ahve fresh stuff on your plate.
(I can finish this with a smart one liner that sounds like a sermon, but I wont do that. Cos if this hasnt cheesed you enough, taht surely will. So, leaving the cake without the icing)
~ Happy New Year
et in arcadia ego
P.S. - In the event of your not deleting this comment, kindly oblige me by performing a spelling and grammar check on it, as has been your habit in the past. ;))
Anonymous - No I'm not going to delete your comment. I generally reseve that honour only for perverts and the unusually obnoxious...
Yes yes I know that there's a bigger set of issues waiting around the corner, but that doesn't help right now. If I could control my emotions then I wouldn't be the ordinary person I am but would be elsewhere by now. Unfortunately for you I am rather boringly mundane and when something troubles me I can't look beyond it to the larger scheme of things, so to say. So dwell I shall on these issues till I have found peace within me...I'm not going to shut the door on them, nor am I going to ignore them or escape from them.
As for the spelling/grammar check - my dear I don't remember doing that ever since you've started commenting, since (despite your obssession with the fact) you haven't really made any grave errors.
And oh yeah - my rather human part of the personality is itching with curiosity abt ur identity.
"Dans les situations désespérées, la seule sagesse est l'optimisme aveugle"-
jean dutourd
i say u fight ur demons.kick some mean ass girl a la buffy.
"I'm not exactly the happiest person around"- well geets i can tell u that in bombay some ppl have already slipped in sulk/depressed mode inspite of having elaborate new yr plans ( i dont hv new yr plans am i sulkin??????) anyways some how it has made them generous so they are giving their stuff away( except the laptop)
that was me aparna
Have you read Tao Te Ching?? If not, run - don't walk, and read it now. The Stephen Mitchell translation, if I may suggest one, is good.
And while we are at it, have you heard the saying, "When the student is ready, the teacher appears!"
I know how infuriating it is to wait, but at times its best to just stop thinking about the big things and focus completely on something relatively trivial..like writing a nice program or switching that SuDoku board to its toughest level (in my case) or say, knitting a sweater or rustling up a mean sandwich (perhaps, in your case).
I'm a firm believer in the intelligence of the universe...and if you are merely hanging around and twiddling your toes, that;s because you must be meant to do that. Don't confuse this with a fatalistic attitude though.
And if you are still skeptical, revisit your memories and figure out the number of times you came out of similar depressions by thinking hard and furiously about a solution ;)
--
Sagar
since 1981
pls delete my comment geets . really feel like a moron in front of these ppl who are plein de sagesse
Bletch!
Don't understand all the fuss about this New Year thing. Sure, use it as an occasion to celebrate/party/dance/whatever but to view it as an excuse/opportunity to begin a new thought process???
Give me a break. Every day is the first day of the rest of your life. You don't need to begin it from Jan 01.
And oh-correct-me-if-i-am-wrong do major changes in thinking happen as a result of a lot of thinking?? Negative. They happen in a 'flash', in a moment, which incidentally might come at the end of (but not necessarily due to) a lot of thinking..that's it..*poof*..when the light comes on, its blindening.
--
Sagar
since 1981
Aparna - Merci ma chere pour cette citation...c'est bien dit! And I don't think you're sounding dumb or anything so I refuse to delete the comment! You said something in a simple and straightforward manner & that in no way makes it any less valuable than the 'deeper' more meaningful comments! Et comment ca va maintenant? J'espere que tu te sent mieux ces jours...
Sagar - Tao Te Ching and Stephen Mitchell are both new names. Interestingly enough, for the last couple of days I have been seeking pleasure in the small things. Peace inside my heart I hope shall lead to peace in my mind as well.
As for your rather strong statement about New Year not necessarily being the day to start anything new - I quite agree. It's why I've never been able to attach any importance to it, but to be fair to Lotus I think he was only trying to ask me to step into the new year with a more positive aura around me. Much like we like to start new things at auspicous moments/days...
Lastly, major changes don't always come out of long bouts of thinking, but they don't come without any thought process right? Kuch logon ki dimaag ki ghanti jald bajti hai, kuch logong ki thodi der mein...why grudge anyone their pondering-period? :-)
Lotus - Ah much humbled that you seek me out in the millions of blogs out there - good for my ego and I could do with ego massage right now ;-) Solitude and loneliness aren't synonyms I don't get why people think that if you're alone, you must be lonely and sad. Sometimes being by yourself is the best thing to do...
Thanks for the encouraging words (and the sermons) dude-soon-to-wear-Raymonds! Hope you too vanquish your 12 year old demons...mine aren't as old, but I'm already weary of them...
Glad to know that I won't be dealing with requests to correct puntuations/spellings in the future
PS That slogan you quoted is IDEa cellular's slogan, not TATA's so its the Birla group you should be approaching for commission, not TATA ;-)
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