It's an awful day today. There's a wierd chill in the air and it makes me feel terribly cold inside. Been roaming around in rather dark colours as well; never the right thing to do in such weather. Just makes me feel all the more misreable. The sweaters don't ward off the chill, neither do the innumerable cups of steaming lemon tea I've had today. Trying some good old adrak chai - let's see if that makes a difference.
Been in a rather diffident, almost belligerent mood for the past few days. It's actually been growing steadily - this strange feeling inside me. Questioning why everytime I set my heart on something (or someone) it is taken away from me. It's happening with a rather alarming frequency this last month and I've become incredibly superstitious about talking about what I want and what I dream of achieving.
Time and again Martin Luther's words echo in my head :
Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance & conscientious stupidity.
And...
In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
I'm perpetually berating myself for not knowing more - talking to friends, fellow-bloggers I'm uncomfortably aware of my appalling ignorance. Ok I'm not the popular blonde in class, not the complete dim-wit around and definitely have more in the upper storey than most unfortunate individuals, but damn it's just not enough! Not by any stretch of imagination!
If it's not that, then I'm wondering why it seems like I don't know my friends anymore and vice-versa. Why do I get this wierd nagging feeling that I'm talking to a stranger every time I pick up the phone to talk to the people on whom I depend the most? Why are my friends not seeing through that composed façade I present to them? Makes me hesitant to pick up threads of newer relationships - makes me question why I want to meet these people and why they want to meet me. Makes my rude and hostile.
No you won't see this on my face if you meet me - that's a big IF there; I'm getting habituated to my solitude these days. No I won't admit this if you ask me if I'm fine. Yes I bloody well am. I just need some time to get thing knocked back into shape inside my head (and heart). And I just want my friends lingering around at close distance, ready to offer that shoulder when I need it. Selfish and demanding? Well yes, I think I deserve it. I also think I'm coming down again with one of those awful Pune colds. Blech.
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14 comments:
It is depressing around..!
Wear some bright colours...buy something nice for yourself..give yourself a treat ..come out of the funk ! cheers !
Listen, its not always that important to know everything. Or most things, that u thought were worth knowing, are highly overrated!
Go shopping! Dilli Haat has some cool goodies this time of the year...and it feels nice walking there in the sun! (Just a suggestion- that's what i used to do in delhi this time of the year!)
A good cup of coffee, and a bitching session with some friends is recommended :)
Take care!
Makes you rude and hostile? I disagree. And I would know, no? :-)
The last thing I want to do is give you platitudes but sometimes we need to hold our own hand and from what I can see, you're doing a fine job of it. And like Aristera already said, this too shall pass. *big hug*
Dips, Vijeyeta, Casablanca - Thanks :-)
Aristera - Toi aussi? Mais pourquoi - j'espere que je ne suis pas une des ami(e)s...
Extempore - Thanks my dear...
hmmm. lets do a trip then. completely new place. not delhi or bbay. something out of the way. completely.
it'll pass. enjoy it while you can. and i'm not disowning you. next time i just might come and knock your door down, but until then, tum care lena.
and try that comfort food, a few random sex and the city episodes. and yeah, go watch bluffmaster.
P.S. to your last post, Oscar is the Queen. He rocks. Totally.
hey babes...like u always said lifes a bitch...so make this bitch meet another bitchier bitch (example: me (",) n watch the fireworks...
i guess i know wt ur goin thru...cos tht like my on/off phase almost every 4 months...but then i learnd...its ok to feel it all cos then u do some real searchin of ur own...n no it doesnt make u hostile or rude or anythin...but hidin it frm ur frnds..well..knowin me u know wt i'll hav to say abt this ;-)
so mite i suggest a fun, freekish, absolutely mad n juvenile n crazy day with me real sooooooooooon??? will fill u in on all the inutile gossip abt ppl we know n ofcourse me :-)
n believe it or not...thrs ALWAYS ppl who do n always will care!!
loads of luv n hugs!!
PS..tht fun...day will be post my show as goin thru hell thnx to it n well u know the rest :-)
Living High - Oh yes wanna go somewhere soon. There was Aurangabad, Hampi, Pondi and Babina-Jhansi on the cards for this yr, but none of those worked out. Mayhaps next year...lessee
BGFS - Merci my dear...was unbelievably belligerent that day what with not even getting back to you...hope thee does truly understand! Next time pukka I'll meet u - cross my heart & all that...
Kitana - :-) Ah oui, I knew you'd say this when you read this post...tat date post-18th is fixed ok? We'll drag Mlle.Avocat also and have some good girly fun...we can later abandon her for some window-shopping...what say? ;-)
There are these phases in everyone's life. Just let it slide. Things will surely get better. Just get out and have fun!
Slow down! Whats better? Around the world in 80 days/Malgudi days? Know what I mean?!
On a rather silly note.... main hoon na!
Awesome blog. U should count ur blessings for the gift u have. Look at me. Dunno where to use '!' or a full stop.
Cheers.
Whoa.. another person who experiences bouts of mood swings and self doubt ?
Well, you're not alone.
I've just learnt over the years - this too shall pass.
After three years of going nowhere career-wise, I'm all set to work at a really exhilarating place starting Jan.
I'm perpetually berating myself for not knowing more - talking to friends, fellow-bloggers I'm uncomfortably aware of my appalling ignorance.
Seems interesting.. There's this saying of all fingers not being alike. I wonder if you can understand what it means.
... - Ofcourse I know it's a phase. Still doesn't make it any easier to undergo...Sigh.
Anonymous - Been going nice and slow for a very long time. One step at a time has always been my motto - can't possibly slow down anymore! ;-)
Dynamic Proxy - Trust me, there are alot of people out there just like me...makes it kinda easier to go through this mini-hell of doubt and confusion!
As for the fingers analogy - well I don't want to be like others. I just don't want to be comfortable with mediocrity...perfection may be unattainable but the aim is to get as close as I can to it!
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